I feel we (the boomer generation of parents) tried to give our children more self-esteem
than we were raised with. I call it the "Dr Spock" syndrome.
We followed the authority figures of our day of how to
create more confidence in our children than we had. I have come to believe that
the information that we were given about this was not wrong as much as
incomplete.
We have suffered the consequences of this belief. Only
now is it becoming apparent to the "professionals" that catering to
the "self-confidence" of children has led to epidemic numbers of
narcissists and other character disturbances.
Only now are we seeing large groups of self-centered individuals who
have no idea how to cope with disappointment other than projecting blame
outside themselves.
In validating everything that my children said or did, in
praising even mediocrity of effort or achievement, in ignoring the
un-praiseworthy I (and other parents and teachers like me) inflated their self-worth without
teaching them balance.
It is not enough to have good self-esteem; one must also
teach that effort is necessary. It is
important to teach that not everyone is perfection at everything they try.
In trying to create self-esteem at all cost it is
possible to fail to teach that rewards are commensurate with effort and product
produced. In focusing on self-esteem we
did not teach this generation how to deal with disappointment, or that it is
okay to not win today, or that it is not our right to win every day, but it is
our duty to strive every day as if we could achieve a victory. We neglected to teach them how to take defeat
with grace and dignity, how to accept failure without shame or the need to put
the other person down, or how to step up and try harder after a
disappointment instead of blaming the other person for their failure.
While self-esteem has value it is not the route to
healthy self-hood. In trying to raise
children who did not feel the “good enough” syndrome of our generation; by focusing on self-esteem
alone we created a whole new set of problems for society, the world and our
individual families.
What we should have been teaching is
self-compassion. We should have taught
our children that sometimes we fail and that is okay we are still good people
when we fail. We should have taught them
that there is no shame in not being the best at everything but that
self-compassion allows us to feel good about the things we succeed at while not
berating ourselves for the things we are less successful at.
Instead of teaching our children that others are at fault
for their bad results we should have been teaching them to be accountable for
their own bad results, not because they are less than, but because that is
life.
We should have taught them not only how to strive for
something but how to handle things when events did not turn out as
planned.
Instead of just giving them sympathy when they did not
win or achieve the success they anticipated, and giving them a “participation
praise” to support their self-esteem, we should have taught them how to handle
disappointment through self-compassion and understanding that to strive is not
the same as succeeding and the congruent lesson that failure is not an ending
but a new beginning to try something differently.
Instead of encouraging them to coast on their talents by
giving endless praise, we should have been teaching the value of training and
due diligence and teaching them that others also have talents but that talent
alone is not enough.
Yes Dr. Spock and his generation of child experts did not
have enough knowledge to point us in the right direction. Their advice was well meant but
incomplete. Self-esteem is important but
the lesson should not have stopped there.
A whole generation has been raised where teachers had to give everyone a
prize for just showing up and coaches had to give a trophy win or lose, to
everyone just for participating.
In this generation, parents felt obligated to praise for
the sake of praising. Where trying to
teach lessons about humility were frowned upon.
Where when a child did poorly it was not the child’s fault but the
teachers fault for not seeing the wonderfulness of this child. Where all achievement was praised equally so
that mediocrity became acceptable because to praise the extraordinary was
frowned upon for fear the ordinary would think less of themselves.
We glorified self-esteem at the expense of other equally
important virtues. We forgot to teach
that not everyone can win all the time, that for one person to win another
person must lose and that there is no shame in that. We forgot to teach that valuing another
person is not based on their being the best at anything in particular but that
we value people simply because they are.
Instead of feeding the ego we should have been nurturing
compassion.
Instead of accepting that that good enough deserves
praise, we should have been teaching that there is value in learning that there
is a difference between good and excellent.
Instead of teaching "you are super special just for
being", we should have been teaching "you have great value but you
need to figure out how to bring that value to others."
Instead of teaching "you are the best", we
should have been teaching "you have gifts and it is up to you to discover
how to use those gifts to bring value to others."
Instead of praising the un-praiseworthy we should have
been teaching the difference between good enough and excellence.
We should have been teaching that it is each person’s
responsibility to find a way to create value in themselves instead of expecting
others to validate them.
And most importantly we should have been told that children need to be accountable for their shortcomings not to blame others for their shortcomings in order to grow up into adults that don’t blame everyone except themselves for their unhappiness.
In raising “self-confidence” we raised a generation that expects “out there” to provide them with gratification and happiness. We taught them that praise and validation is their due. We taught them that anyone who does not “feed” their need for praise is toxic and needs to be discarded and to surround themselves only with those who “feed” their aggrandized self-image.
And only now are the experts seeing the results of this
“experiment” in child raising and they are seeing that the outcome is not at
all what was anticipated. The damage has
been done. The new “experts” are
starting to show a different path. But
for many of us it is already too late.
We are reaping the results of the “experimental
generation”. The generation of people
that was supposed to be more confident than we were. Well they are. But being more confident does not make them
better people. It only makes them more
arrogant and self-centered and entitled.
- They are more willing to lie and cheat and obfuscate to get what they want.
- They are more willing to leave behind anyone or anything that does not meet their needs and at the same time they are less caring of the needs of others.
- They demand respect without extending respect.
- They demand to be loved on their terms and they love as a form of blackmail, using it as something to hand out as a reward for getting what they want.
- They control others while they don’t control themselves.
- They expect others to do for them without considering what they do for others.
They do onto others that which they would never allow
others to do onto them.
We are reaping the experiment gone wrong.
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Well don't feel too bad. I was very anti self esteem in the heat of the self esteem movement and my kids still turned out this way.
ReplyDeleteThird party interference and peers...
DeleteI think these types existed all along , they just became justified in the basis for their philosophies.
ReplyDeletepart of the whole problem is the "spirit of compettition" more needs to be done to develope the spirit of co-operation.
ReplyDeleteI guess we can analyze it all day long but look at the kind of parents they are....it is heartbreaking....my daughter neglects her dogs and her response is "just don't look them in the eye"...she is heartless...she let my grandson drop out of school after the 9th grade and sit in his bedroom and play on the computer 24 hours a day. He didn't cut his hair...he wouldn't even come out when she was home....she left him home alone for a week at a time so she could party with her girl friends....he was 13 and 14....he didn't have clothes that fit....she let her boyfriend hit him and talk down to him....and even though my husband and I raised him until he was 12, she cut him out of our lives.
ReplyDelete