Post Estrangement - Learning to Change Expectations

The after the children are grown up stage of parenting is not at all what I expected.  

Just like all other parents I had visions of what family life would be like when my children became adults.  Quite possibly they were too rosy, but I thought, at the time, that they were realistic. 

I imagined occasional family meals and holiday celebrations together. I anticipated chats and sharing special events.  I know I expected friendship and respect.  And I certainly expected to be included in family milestones.   

None of this panned out the way I had anticipated. My hopes were crushed and my dreams were broken, by a daughter who thought she knew better than I and who wanted to coerce me into behaving in a certain way by withholding her approval  for anything less than what she expected.  She wanted me to respect her and do things her way, but she showed no respect for me. The day I said "NO" to a demand she made and said "I will not allow you to treat me this way" was the beginning of the end. 

Not much long after that deciding day came the accusations that I was the source of all her problems.  That was when the blaming started. That was when the lies were circulated that attempted to justify her actions and make her appear blameless. That was when the manipulations and control tactics began.  That was when other family members were "forced" to pick sides. 

That was when my world crumbled.  Since that time I have gone through many stages of dealing with an incomprehensible situation. The early days of dazed confusion now seem like an eternity ago. There are weeks and months that I can't even recall.

Then I went through what I call my angry stage.  When all my actions came from the adrenaline of anger.  Anger got me through the day and doing things, simply because I refused to give her the power to destroy everything good in my life. 

There was the apathy stage that really terrified me.  During those days I was like a robot marking time but I really was not present.  Those were the days when I did not care if I lived or if I died. 

Then came the, I deserve better than this stage, when I started to fight back. I took all the emotions I was feeling and translate them into seeking for knowledge. 

I started reading and learning about estrangement.  This was also when I joined support groups and learned that I was not alone and I was able to draw strength from this knowledge. The problem was that I got stuck here for a while in what I call the "pity me" place.  I was feeling sorry for myself and asking question like "why me?"  The kind of questions that have no answers and lead only to more negative ruminations. 

This roused me to a second round of anger;  I deserve so much better than this so I am going to make it happen. I used my anger to inspire me on my journey of discovery and it got me out of the "pity me" phase.  

That was when I discovered terms like PTSD and the dynamics of trauma on the body and the mind and the spirit. I learned about behaviour patterns and conditions like NPD (narcissitic personality disorder) and BPD  (borderdline personality disorder) and that in all likelihood my daughter suffers from some degree of these mental conditions.  It was during this stage that things started to make some kind of perverted sense to me.  

The wonderful thing about that stage was that it opened the door for me to discover the healing stage.  As I entered into this stage I never realized how long it would take (1.5 year now and still on the journey).   I devoted energy and time to healing research, started healing practices, gained knowledge and skills that became a part of my "wellness tool kit".  

This is a good place to be because it is all about me. For the first time in my life, I am my own first priority.  Not that I would recommend this as the path to this kind of discovery, but that is the silver lining in my estrangement cloud. 

Gradually I am releasing some of the more negative emotions I have been carrying in my heart. I call this "acceptance the second time around."  

I am more at accepting of the way things are now than when the estrangement happened in 2009, when my then 32 year old daughter decided to start calling me names and telling me what she expected me to do.  When she used estrangement as the tool of control. "do as I want you to or you are out of my life".  

I have not seen or spoken to her since.  I have sent letters countless times and have received no reply.  My grandson was born 2 years ago and I have never seen him, I was not invited to baby shower or christening.  I am a grandmother in name only. 

As I remarked earlier, estrangement has split our family in two; those who side with me and those who side with her. It is what it is. 

I have allowed my earlier expectations to end.  I have made peace with the fact that things are unlikely to change. There is no "happy ending" just around the corner. 

Now I am at a place where I am looking at what should be my happy golden years, and I find a drastically changed vision.  Instead of family being the center of my thoughts, I am at the center.  What do I want to do to achieve joy?  How do I want to express myself?  In what way can I find fulfillment?

I have lost several years to intense grieving.  Then I spent a couple of years geared toward healing, and now I see a future where the goal is that I will hopefully be able to create a full and rich life inspite of the devastation that has happened.

I have come to realize that some things you can't "FIX".  Some things you have to replace.   In this case my expectations needed to be replaced.  Such a hard process but I am starting to see that it may be possible.  In general I have a happier outlook on life now.  Many of the "bad" habits I fell into as a result of the pain and depression I am erasing one by one.  

I try hard to now spend more time on looking forward and healing and less time looking back at the why's and the how comes.  I remind myself that all the understanding in the world changes nothing when I am the only one trying to understand. 

Yes there sure was a stage I went through, when I tried to figure it out, make sense of it, but now trying to understand no longer serves. Instead I find those times when I do ruminate, distracting and destructive because they take time away from my primary goal which is making things better for me. 

I have come to realize I will never "make sense of it"  and the time I spend trying to make sense of the senseless is actually "wasted" time.  

I am happy to say that my healing is well underway. I am not fully there yet, but I can see where this proactive stance is taking me.  I can see myself slowly taking back joy, enthusiasm, and love of life.   I am sure there will always be some "holes" some "pockets of emptiness", but I have learnt how to deal with those and there are many tools in my "wellness tool kit" that I can resort to on those dark days that inevitably happen.

I also get great pleasure now from leading by example, to be an advocate, that healing is do-able.  There is life after estrangement.

I hope that you will be able to find a path toward healing also. It is so much better than the fog of despair that I lived in at the start of this horrible experience.

Find the support of support groups, which are so helpful at the beginning of this oh so confusing experience.  Check out all the options for healing that are available.  Try different things to create a post estrangement life that is satisfying and life affirming. Never accept less than this because you deserve so much more.  

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2015 - 03 - 26 

My Facebook Reflections Page

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I don't have to like it, but there is a cycle of nature at work

Something I have become more attuned to, is that the way parents talk about their children and their expectations as a parent correlates to the age of the children they have. 

When parents make a comment about their children on social media, immediately the nature of their comment tells you the age of their children.  The more all-inclusive the language, the more blindly optimistic the statement, the younger the child is likely to be.  

A parent who posts comments like; "my child will never...." or "I won't allow my child to......" or “we have this unbreakable bond”  are ones with very young kids who have as yet no idea that the children become independent and quite self-willed at a certain age. 

Parents who post comments about "I can't believe my child said....."  or "Why is my child acting like this.....? or “what happened to my child?;  have experienced the changes that happen in their offspring as they mature.

It is clear to me that the parents of young children have no clue as to what they have yet to face.   And maybe that is a good thing. 

We all start out so very optimistic and hopeful that we will navigate the turbulent parenting years with great success, that we will do a better job than our own parents.  And then time passes and we realize that all those optimistic intentions, had a purpose, they kept us striving to do good, to do the right thing, to be the best possible parent we could be.

But in the end we come to realize the reality, that we really have no control. 

The dynamics of children becoming adults has its own force! The changes of transformation has it’s own flow and there are so many outside factors having a huge impact on the direction these changes take.   As time passes we, the parent, become sidelined as these emerging adults go with the flow of that force toward their own destiny.

They then create their own families, and have the same inspiration to be better and more successful parents in their turn.   Some of us are fortunate to still have a place at the show, others of us are relegated to reading the show reviews, and others of us don't even get to see the reviews. But either way the force of nature is there directing that eternal optimism in the next generation that they can do better. 

We who have adult children are sidelined to various degrees, our hopes have played out to various degrees of success.  We see our failings, and gradually we come to terms with what we were not able to achieve.  We suffer because our hopes and dreams and aspirations as new parents did not unfold the way we hoped and in our naivety, expected.  

As I ponder this I wonder if I can let go of the optimistic vision of expectations and come to a better place of peace and acceptance with the reality of the outcome? Not that the acceptance will be pain free, for the sadness and grief over the outcome won't change.  But possibly there will be a closure, a sense that doing the best and having the best outcome are not necessarily congruent. 

The cycle of life and raising family is now behind me.  For better or for worse they are now the “next generation”.  They have their own journey of discovery to follow.  And they need the optimism that they can do better to carry them down that turbulent river.   And I can look with hindsight at the past and reflect how much my own optimism helped me face challenges that would have been impossible with a negative mindset. 

Looking back I can see how much society has changed, available knowledge has changed, how information access has changed, and how all these factors create new vision and new expectations in the next generation.  I do not necessarily agree that the changes are indeed for the better, but I can accept that there have been changes. 

I remember how the latest books on parenting played an important role in my optimism as to how I could do better.  For my grown children it is no different, they have different sources of knowledge and because of the perversity of nature they believe that what they know is better than what I know, just as I believed that what I knew was better than what my parents knew.  And in turn their optimism bubble will also be burst when their children in turn become adults who themselves now know better.  

It is the cycle of nature at work, something bigger than myself. I don't have to like it. However I do have to accept that I have no control.  It is that sense of powerlessness that frustrates me.  The question becomes, can I find the strength and the optimism I once felt and apply that to strategies for creating a different vision of my future?

Renate Dundys Marrello 

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Post Estrangement - 40 Days of Letting Go - letting go of self blame

I am still at it, every day I process another part of "Letting Go"

I am learning so much on this journey and hopefully will be creating a step by step guide to help others.

40 days of Letting go - Day 28

I am a self blamer! 
There I have admitted it. Whenever something goes wrong I automatically blame myself. Most often this self-blame is totally irrational!

I don’t even know for sure when this started in my life, but looking back I always seem to remember feeling tremendous guilt over things I was not able to do or control, did not do well enough or soon enough etc.

And then even worse, at some point in time I started assuming blame and guilt for the failings of others! When I became a parent is when this syndrome got really out of control!

When my children got in trouble, I blamed me!
When my children did poorly at anything, It was my fault!
When my children misbehaved, I blamed myself!
When I could not give my children something they wanted, it was my fault!

It also became a habit for me to apologize for every event that occurred that left my children feeling unfulfilled

If we had an inconvenience on a vacation, I blamed me!
If the kids did not enjoy a holiday, it was my fault!
If the kids had a bad experience with a bully and I was unable to help them adequately through the difficulty, I blamed myself!

When my children became adults and had difficulties…you guessed it, I took the blame.

They made an unsuccessful choice for studies, I blamed myself for not being a better help in the decision making process!
They had a difficult breakup in a relationship, it was my fault for not preparing them better.
They had a negative outcome of a dream, once again I blamed myself for not doing enough to make their dream a success!

And then when my daughter estranged herself from me and broke up our whole family guess who took the blame upon herself!? ME!

That is right, now it was my fault for not parenting better, for not teaching better communication skills, my fault for not teaching better social and behavioral skills…all my fault!

And I carry this “giganormous” weight with me day in and day out and am crushed under the burden of self blame.

But I am waking up!
I am learning to say "It is not all my fault!"

Other people were involved in every choice!

Most critically I have forgotten that as my children became adults they need to do what every adult needs to at some point; take on responsibility for their own actions. I am simply not that powerful that I can fix everyone’s problems!  I have woken up, finally I realize that not everything is my fault.

I resolve to let go of my habit of self blame.

From now on I will look at my course of action. If I do (or did) everything to the best of my ability then I am not to blame when things do not work out.

Stuff happens in life. Things don’t always go according to plan. People make choices that have nothing to do with me and I cannot be their safety net, taking the blame for them so their feelings are not hurt, or so they can continue to feel superior.

From now on if you make a bad choice don’t blame me because I am no longer going to be the easy access scape goat! 

Renate Dundys Marrello 

My Facebook Reflections Page

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Post Estrangement: Forgiveness, Still on the 40 Day Journey

Yes I am still upon the journey, struggling with the concept of forgiveness for an action that is ongoing and continues. Each day I find a little kernel of self knowledge that will help me choose the path that is right for me in the end.  And every day I find the resistance as well, the unkind part of me that wants to kick and scream and protest "this is so unfair!"

Day 27 of 40 days of Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a hard journey. Every day I face this forgiveness challenge I find myself on two sides of the fence.

There is a part of me that truly wants to forgive, to open the door to life beyond being stuck here with rememberances of the past and what you have done to me. You are the one that put me in this place of facing the most difficult struggle / trauma of my life. You did this on purpose! That is the part that hurts the most. You selected this as your way of punishing me, and every day is one more day of you saying "I won’t forgive you!"

And that is when the childish me kicks up her heels and says, “I want to hurt you back”.

Then the grown up self in me says, "it is enough that you are acting childish and holding on to your grudge, what does me stooping to that same grudge holding level do to improve the situation?"

I realize the answer is “nothing”. It contributes nothing. It does not make anything better.

But then forgiving will not make it better either, for you still hold on to your grudge like a life line and the estrangement trauma continues. I still feel the effects of your shunning every day.

I especially feel the rejection of having my apologies rejected. I feel that I have reached out to you willing to open the doors to communication and you slam them in my face with your silence and rejection.

And I am left with apology egg on my face and you prove your point yet again that you still have a grudge against me and that my willingness to forgive and my willingness to apologize is not enough! That is part of the problem then isn't it.

My forgiving you for your actions in creating this estrangement is not enough to heal the wound you have inflicted upon this relationship. There is nothing that I can say or do to bring working towards reconciliation to the table because you do not want reconciliation. It is almost like you find joy in punishing me. You find joy in hanging on to all of your grudges against me. You find comfort in laying out all my faults and punishing me for them. And in doing so you never even see how wrong a choice you have made by following the advice of a certain other. You don’t even realize how many things I have to forgive you for! You don’t realize how much wrong you have done against me, because you are blinded by your anger and your hurt and your desire to exact revenge upon me.

Yet still I love what we once had so much that I am still willing to struggle with forgiving you all this hurt that I am experiencing. They say that forgiving requires strength. And in facing this 40 day challenge I am starting to realize just how much strength is required of me to do this.

The hardest part of the challenge is coming to terms with the fact that I may have to walk away from this challenge accepting that forgiving without any reciprocal atonement, and atoning without any reciprocal forgiveness spells an ending of a different sort. It will require an acceptance on my part that you will never give up your grudge because for some reason that gives you a feeling of power. 

And I can only regain my power by forgiving and walking away.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

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Post Estrangement: A journey of Letting Go - letting go of my grudge

As I continue my 40 day journey of letting go I realize that there are so many steps to letting go.  The past few days I have been looking at the need to let go of the grudge that I have building and growing in my heart. This is what keeps my pain and my anger fresh.  This is the "HOOK" that connects me to the past. 

40 Days of Letting go -  Day 23

It is easy to find a reason to hang on.  When I reflect on the pain and the hurting I experience; I automatically say “you deserve my hatred and my disrespect”.

A grudge is born out of the need to retaliate for the wounds inflicted upon me. The wound is kept alive when I repeat my mantra “You had no right to treat me this way.  I have issues with your actions.

The resentment grows and festers in my brain and I carry the burden.  Just as you carry your own burden with your resentments against me.

The resentment and bitterness have taken root in your soul.  That resentment builds your wall of silence blocking me out.

I don’t want to live the way you live, forever carrying that heavy weight.  So I will let my grudge go.  I will unhook myself from that path.

I will release the hold my anger and pain has over my soul. As I accept that what you did was not right, I also accept that I do not have to hold on to the anger and hurt indefinitely.  I can choose to let it go. I can choose to lay down my burden. 

Instead of hanging on to the bitterness I will taste the freedom of acceptance that what is past is past.  With that acceptance I give myself the ability to move on unfettered by the negative ruminations that are so hurtful to my soul.

Renate Dundys Marrello

My Facebook Reflections Page

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MOVING OUT OF THE GRIEF CYCLE OF ESTRANGEMENT.

There are days when I feel stuck in my grief, when healing seems to be beyond what I can accomplish.  On those days I look to inspiration from others who have walked or are walking the path before me.  The last few days have been filled with sadness for me (birthday of my estranging daughter) and so I turned to reading this message by Nina Wornham for inspiration. 

MOVING OUT OF THE GRIEF CYCLE OF ESTRANGEMENT.

By Nina Wornham 2015.

The big problem with grief and estrangement is that no one has died. There’s been no funeral, no cards, no sympathy and no one’s acknowledging that for anyone who loses a family member to estrangement, the grief is equally as painful as any other loss.

There are no mourners so no one shares the grief or carries the burden with you. There are no flowers, no lingering reminders, no beautiful memories, no wreath to lay and no memorial to visit.

Unlike the passing of a loved one where a celebration of their lives can bring comfort to saying our goodbyes, we’re left to dwell in the silent persecution of a shame riddled existence where the only question is ‘why’?

In cases of serious family dysfunction, it’s easy to understand the reasons why members have chosen to walk away for their own sanity. This is still a tough choice for them because they often end up more alone in the world than anyone. But the epidemic of adult children choosing to break their ties with loving, devoted parents who have only ever tried to do their best, is leaving a devastating trail of broken hearts and lost dreams of the family bonds they hoped they’d always be a part of.

With even psychologists baffled at the complexity of reasons for this trend now happening on such a wide scale, it’s impossible to pin point any single explanation. Meanwhile the coping strategies on how the parents can survive and go on with their lives after estrangement, is now the biggest challenge.

Firstly it’s important to recognise that being a parent is like no other relationship. When a child cuts you out of their life, unlike a romantic relationship, there is no new replacement to fill this void. It’s a unique, truly special, eternal ever after bond.

Therefore when estrangement occurs, the pain goes very deep especially if there is no reasonable explanation for the event. For a loving parent, even if they’ve made mistakes, it’s a catastrophic loss. Because no one has died, although we grieve, we grieve alone and often in very painful and isolated silence.

In my own opinion and from the research I’ve carried out thus far, estrangement is the deliverance of anger and control exacted on a parent or the wider family. It appears revenge based.

It doesn’t matter whether the adult child is justified or not, anger and control are usually at the core of the estrangement. Sometimes, estrangement can be caused by other factors such as indirect control via a third party, a bitter divorced parent who wants to hurt the other parent or a controlling inlaw.

In all of my research, at the core of nearly all estrangement is anger often being directed by a third party. In other words, an external influence has encouraged the child to disconnect from the parent.

What can you do if you are the estranged party?

Very often, not very much. If communication is abusive or non existent, and you’ve tried all the usual avenues to make amends but they have not been welcomed, you have to let things go and start to pick up the threads of your own life again.

You were somebody before you became a parent and you need to find new ways to reconnect with being this person again. Your life must go on. Difficult as this may be, with effort and practice, you will be able to rebuild your life and create new dreams along the way.

Like many, you could stay where you are, clinging to the hope that things will change if you just write one more email, send one more birthday card, give more money, believe that it’s Christmas so things are bound to change because it’s the festive season and it’s all about families.

But haven’t you already tried this many times before? Think back to what you gained. Are you any further down the road to progress?

Probably not.

For your own sake, you must start to move your life forwards out of the rut of estrangement for one single, very important reason. This reason is that even if things did change and your adult child came back and all was forgiven, what’s to stop the estrangement from happening again? Can you go back to all that pain and hurt? Would you survive mentally and emotionally? Wouldn't it be better if you could now build a life where you were not solely dependent on the health of this relationship?

By now you should have learned that as much as you love your child, you cannot depend on them alone for your emotional well being or happiness. This has to come from within you and by surrounding yourself with people who value and welcome you.

Estrangement, believe it or not, provides you with a huge opportunity to reconnect with yourself, learn new things, become self sufficient, meet new people and build a new life. In many ways, it gives us a new kind of freedom that can only be positive and liberating.

Your bond with your child is unbreakable. You still love them and on some level they still love you. Nothing breaks our bond of love. It only gets bent out of shape. But nothing can change the bond of being connected through our genes. We can run but we can’t hide, our family stays our family.

We must however see that our adult child cutting us off and abandoning us for whatever reason, misplaced anger, hurt, control, is a form of mental cruelty and emotional abuse. We can’t stay in this cycle waiting for them to carry on hurting us. We certainly can’t have them back if they are intent on making us pay for any ill perceived wrongs they think we may be guilty of. We must remove ourselves from this punishment of enforced silence and pick up our lives again.

Our choice is simple. We can either stay trapped in the negative world of painful estrangement or we can see it as a chance to still love our children, forgive them their grievances, claim our wings and rebuild our lives.

It’s all about perspective and choice.

You now have this choice. You are not broken. You are not forgotten. You are not on the scrapheap of being a failed parent. You still have a life to live.

I myself have made a successful comeback and reinvented my life. I’ve joined groups, learned new things and made new friends. My life has regained some of the joy that I thought would be lost forever. It takes time and effort but once I began the journey, it became much easier and then it became a new way of life.

You can do the same. Start freeing yourself from any guilt, make a plan for the next week or month, then begin writing down some goals for what you’d like to start bringing into your life from now on.

One small tip to help you on your way. Stop talking about the pain of your estrangement. Start talking about how it’s helping you reshape your future.

If your adult children return, wonderful! If they don’t, at least you can send them photos of the whale of a time you’re having in their absence. 

Nina Wornham. Life Coach, Writer, Author.

I hope that you shared the feeling of hopefulness that I took from this article. 

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2015 - 03 - 08 

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Post Estrangement: 40 Days of Reflections on Forgiveness

I am struggling with the concept of forgiveness.  I have dedicated time to reading and studying this concept. Every day I sit at my writing desk and wrestle with the idea.

Am I making progress?  I honestly don't know.  I am at day 17 and I think if anything I am more confused than when I started.

Here a my musings for today.  Please feel free to share with me you insights with me.  

Is forgiveness the only path forward or are there other options?

There are many pressures on me to say the words “I forgive you”.  I am the one that has been wronged and yet I am also the one pressured to forgive the wrong doer.  It is like not only am I a victim of the abuse now I am also a victim of pressure to “conform” to the forgiveness trajectory. I am made to feel guilt for not being able to honestly and with conviction say “I forgive” even if you, the wrongdoer, do not repent.

If healing means moving forward and not remaining "fixed" or "stuck" in the hurt; is forgiveness really the only way to do this? I do not want to become frozen in the past event or even the ongoing event so if not forgiveness what then?

The fact that I can’t forgive an evil and hurtful action does not make me a bad person. If I give in, under pressure, to say something I do not feel I would be untrue to myself and that is a wound I cannot / will not inflict upon myself. Why should I betray my own emotions to say words that I do not feel? To betray myself after being betrayed by others does not right the wrong.

I cannot “force” forgiveness if it is not something in me that I can give at this point in time.  If there is no regret or apology spoken by the perpetrator, and there is no pressure on them to do so, why should there be pressure on me to offer forgiveness?

I can let go of the past, I can stop hanging on, I can accept that there is no need to retaliate, I can possibly even stop hating what has been done to me. But to forgive an action, that is repeated every day, an actions that is an in my face insolence done with the intent to cause me pain, no this I do not think I can do.

To say words I do not mean or feel is “hollow”.

Saying words I do not feel will not make me feel better nor will they make my life any easier.

Who really gains from my words of forgiveness?

The perpetrator! 

Those people who push the forgiveness formula upon me.

Right now the best I can do is say I am open to being forgiving when the wrongful action stops and some words of repentance are spoken to me. This is my truth.  This is an honest statement that I can live with. This is my area of control.  This is where I can find peace.

This is not to say that I will not continue to wrestle with the concept of forgiveness.  But this is how I feel now. This is where my heart is at this point in time as I struggle with my healing and attempt to learn and grow from this experience.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2015 - 03 - 07

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Post Estrangement: A journey of Letting Go

I am working hard these days on the concept of letting go and what that actually means to a mother that has been tossed aside.  How to move forward into the uncharted territories of "used to be mom" toward the land of "no longer wanted as a mom".

The process of grieving and letting go is complex.  At same time, the process of healing and moving forward depends on a certain measure of success in this area. 

I decided to take a "40 Day Journey of Letting Go".  To achieve this goal I have decided to spend time each day focusing on what exactly I need to do for me to be able to accomplish this pilgrimage of "letting go".  What things do I need to figure out that will make the process something that I can accomplish.

In the near future all of my thoughts will come together in the book that I am writing. For now, I leave you with today's reflections. 

Day 13

I grew up believing that giving up, letting go of dreams and long-held goals, is something to be mourned and avoided.

I am coming to the conclusion that hanging on to something that is clearly over is taxing to my self-esteem and prevents me from moving forward towards better moments with more compatible people.

In this case I am not admitting defeat rather I am acknowledging that since others have already given up there is no longer anything to be achieved by my hanging on. 

Moving forward is not a failure rather an acceptance.  It is accepting that something that someone else broke and has no interest in repairing is no longer something worth my time nor my emotional investment to sustain.

Understanding this truth is the key to my liberty.  It gives me the freedom to let go of those dreams that my false hopes have so long struggled to keep alive. 

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2015 - 03 - 03 

My Facebook Reflections Page 

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