I just read this post by a fellow estranged parent on a support group that I visit. It spoke to me a truth that I have long been struggling with.
I have struggled with the idea and hesitated about being so blunt...and yet as I read Nina Wornham's words I found my self saying "that is exactly how I feel too".
so here I share with you her words.
so here I share with you her words.
I am sure that
our problems with our adult children are because of the master and slave
relationship we've been forced to adopt because of the child's rights
movement and the subsequent theories by the 'experts'.
I ask myself
all the time 'will my Adult child ever come back'.
But then I realise I'm asking myself the wrong question.
The question I should ask is.........do I want them back?
In my heart the answer would be no, not if the relationship was going to be on a master and slave basis again.
I can see from some of the other posts on groups I've seen recently (I don't look very often) that this is now where the stalemate is.
'You really aren't alone. My inbox is full with messages from many parents all with similar stories.
These are good, decent, devoted parents who have made many sacrifices for their children only to find themselves now cut off and rejected.
I do believe that in some ways, those children who have been given so much love and devotion, have grown up to believe they're not only 'entitled' to have their demands met but that they're invulnerable too.
They haven't felt pain yet and so they don't feel or see the pain they're putting their parents through when they cut them off.
You didn't do anything wrong.
We were told how to be parents and we were faced with the wrath of the higher ups if we failed to treat our children as precious and valued individuals. The children themselves were made aware of their rights and how they were 'entitled' to have their rights met. They learned to have overly high expectations and they learned to manipulate too.
And so now we have a generation of ego charged, invulnerable, demanding young adults who find it easy to break their family ties if their ego's aren't satisfied or if we offend them in some way. This is a generational issue of the parents being subservient and the slave in the relationship while the child is the master.
This is the legacy of children's rights gone awry. The saddest thing is that at some point, these adult children will have no one to turn to when life teaches them that their ego and high expectations don't get them far in life.
I think rather than try and change things in the short term, which is unlikely, the point needs to be made that this current situation is a very big failure created not by parents, but by society and those 'experts; who dictated at the time, how we should parent our children.'
Nina Wornham
Note: the hightlights for emphasis are mine...but the words are Nina's. Thank you again Nina for your expressive post.
Renate Dundys Marrello
Follow my Reflections on Facebook
But then I realise I'm asking myself the wrong question.
The question I should ask is.........do I want them back?
In my heart the answer would be no, not if the relationship was going to be on a master and slave basis again.
I can see from some of the other posts on groups I've seen recently (I don't look very often) that this is now where the stalemate is.
'Accept our
rules or stay alienated'.
'You really aren't alone. My inbox is full with messages from many parents all with similar stories.
These are good, decent, devoted parents who have made many sacrifices for their children only to find themselves now cut off and rejected.
I do believe that in some ways, those children who have been given so much love and devotion, have grown up to believe they're not only 'entitled' to have their demands met but that they're invulnerable too.
They haven't felt pain yet and so they don't feel or see the pain they're putting their parents through when they cut them off.
You didn't do anything wrong.
We were told how to be parents and we were faced with the wrath of the higher ups if we failed to treat our children as precious and valued individuals. The children themselves were made aware of their rights and how they were 'entitled' to have their rights met. They learned to have overly high expectations and they learned to manipulate too.
And so now we have a generation of ego charged, invulnerable, demanding young adults who find it easy to break their family ties if their ego's aren't satisfied or if we offend them in some way. This is a generational issue of the parents being subservient and the slave in the relationship while the child is the master.
This is the legacy of children's rights gone awry. The saddest thing is that at some point, these adult children will have no one to turn to when life teaches them that their ego and high expectations don't get them far in life.
I think rather than try and change things in the short term, which is unlikely, the point needs to be made that this current situation is a very big failure created not by parents, but by society and those 'experts; who dictated at the time, how we should parent our children.'
Nina Wornham
Note: the hightlights for emphasis are mine...but the words are Nina's. Thank you again Nina for your expressive post.
Renate Dundys Marrello
Follow my Reflections on Facebook
It's why so many of us say we were a doormat.
ReplyDeleteNever again!
ReplyDeleteI suspect we go through the 7 stages of grief - disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, acceptance but not always in that order and not always just one stage at a time.
ReplyDeleteI have become more angry with my daughter as time has gone on. Earlier, I couldn't believe she would just cut her family off as she has, I've been in disbelief and denial. I've come up with all sorts of excuses for her -- the husband she's married to is very controlling and emotionally abusive but she has the means to contact any of us but chooses not to do so.
Thank you for sharing. This is really informative. :)
ReplyDeleteI can relate to anyone that has 'lost' their child, as I have also gone through it and still suffer bouts of severe depression. It never goes away.
ReplyDeleteBut you are right, it is the system/establishment that has done this to our children and made them insensitive towards us because they have fed (brainwashed) them this ego boosting ideology with their 'self-esteem' movement... and it is NOT for their wellbeing. It is, in fact, a deliberate & systematic plan/agenda (by the 'Elite' that pull the 'strings') to; a) diminish parental authority; b) transfer loyalty to the state (not the family); c) break up the family structure.
In their OWN words....
".... and (we) shall make out of the youth obedient children of authority loving him who rules..." (them)
(Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion)
http://ddickerson.igc.org/The_Protocols_of_the_Learned_Elders_of_Zion.pdf
And also...
"Get control of the schools" (#17)
"Discredit the family as an institution. Encourage promiscuity and easy divorce" (#40)
"Emphasize the need to raise children away from the negative influence of parents" (#41)
(45 Communist Goals)
http://www.restoring-america.com/Documents/THE%20NAKED%20COMMUNIST%20GOALS%20WITH%20NOTES.pdf
Folks this is happening right before our very eyes.... and WE, as parents, are the VICTIMS!
I have felt like as I was pretty much alone in my thinking but I see that there are other parents that have the same feeling as I have. I raised my four children and encourged them to get a good education including college. They are all in their 50's and I am dead to them. I have been told by one of my childen that she never had a happy day in her childhood and I was never a good mother.
ReplyDeleteAll this has been so hurtful one reason being is that I thought of my own mother being one of the greatest people that God had put on our earth. My childhood was very hard. My sisters and brothers all started working at a young age to help our mother out. We had very little but our lives were full of joy and fun. My chidren leave the room if I tell them about my childhood. There she goes again!!
I live alone and find that I must start thinking of myself now (something new for me). I do have beautiful memories of all my children of when they were growing and that will never change.
"Reflections on Life", ...since the estrangement of our only child 8 years ago, intentionally, or unintentionally, I find myself reflecting on peculiar behavioral moments in my daughter's childhood and culminating in that final breaking moment. The first red flag was when our daughter was 7 years old and a neighbor phoned to tell me about our daughter's cruel behavior towards her 5 year old son. I was in disbelief with what I was hearing over the phone, nonetheless I took our daughter over to this boy's home and made her apologize. The apology from her appeared flippant to me and from that time on, this boy never played with my daughter again. In puberty, I noticed her spending extended time in her room with the door closed. About this time another red flag arose, she came home from a neighborhood friend' home drunk. In the years that followed, she became increasingly disobedient, secretive and dressing provocatively. My husband and I were dumbfounded with this strange new person emerging and sought family counseling. In group therapy she either gave the silent treatment, or raged in hateful outbursts towards both of us. Not only was it unsettling, but downright frightful. The first physical and verbal abuse towards me began when she was in 11th grade and continued until her estrangement of her father and me at Christmas 2008. In all those years, her father never witnessed the physical abuse towards me until that Christmas 2008, when previously he dismissed my alarms as "mother daughter" spats. After he witnessed for himself, only then did he recognized the frightening person who was our daughter. The point I am conveying is that I dismissed so many dysfunctional behavioral signs, because I loved my daughter and was willing to accept bad behavior for her pseudo love. After all this time I wonder if there wasn't something missing in her genetic makeup, because her father and I felt nothing but love, respect and admiration for our parents and would never have let a day go by without telling them how much they meant to us.
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