Anger should be a "warning bell" that clangs "something
is wrong here, look for what is wrong".
Instead too often we see anger as a tool to cause a retaliation action,
as in you hurt me so now I am going to hurt you back!
I had a horrible relationship with anger. It stemmed from the false core belief that I
was taught that anger is bad, you must suppress it, and you must hide it,
because only bad people get angry. I
turned that anger inside on myself, telling myself over and over again that I
was not good enough because when people hurt me I got angry ….so therefore
there must be something bad / wrong with me.
It has taken me a long hard journey to come to realize that anger itself is not bad. It is what we do with that anger that can very often be very bad / harmful / cruel and mean.
It has taken me a long hard journey to come to realize that anger itself is not bad. It is what we do with that anger that can very often be very bad / harmful / cruel and mean.
I have come to believe that most of the mean actions of the world are
caused by anger being used to lash out rather than investigate.
When we feel anger it is simply a knock on the door of our consciousness that something is not right. Usually we are fearful, or hurt, or dismissed or feel pushed away and that makes us feel anger. Our first response is to want to retaliate, to lash out, to strike back, to make the other person hurt in response to the hurt we received.
But anger all by itself, when you don’t go into retaliation mode, serves only to inform us that something has gone wrong. Something we hoped for did not happen, or something we did not want to happen did happen. When I set the anger aside, I can look at the deeper emotion. For me most often that deeper emotion is hurt. And then bewilderment, why did that person think it was okay to hurt me. And finally only recently I have been able to look at their hurting of me was their angry retaliation of their hurting. They were unable to see their anger as a warning sign that they were hurt or afraid and so they went right to retaliation mode.
The most insecure people I have come to realize are the fastest to retaliate from a place of anger, because they do not want to do the work of looking deep inside to what caused the anger. Sure sometime they name it, but mostly it is named in a statement of blame. “They did this to me, it is their fault”.
The more secure I become in my inner awareness that I deserve to be treated kindly, the more I can step back from people who try to harm me from their own place of anger. I recognize that when I explore or expose a truth they do not wish to hear, their response will be anger. If I call out bad behaviour, the doers of mean things don’t want to be called out on their choice of bad behaviour, so they respond with anger. They are quite adept at deflecting their anger outward because to look inward requires looking at the inner darkness, the inner negativity, and the false core beliefs around of what good behaviour actually is.
As I look at what causes me to be angry and compare that with what causes others to be angry I start to realize that I have a different relationship toward anger than many others.
When we feel anger it is simply a knock on the door of our consciousness that something is not right. Usually we are fearful, or hurt, or dismissed or feel pushed away and that makes us feel anger. Our first response is to want to retaliate, to lash out, to strike back, to make the other person hurt in response to the hurt we received.
But anger all by itself, when you don’t go into retaliation mode, serves only to inform us that something has gone wrong. Something we hoped for did not happen, or something we did not want to happen did happen. When I set the anger aside, I can look at the deeper emotion. For me most often that deeper emotion is hurt. And then bewilderment, why did that person think it was okay to hurt me. And finally only recently I have been able to look at their hurting of me was their angry retaliation of their hurting. They were unable to see their anger as a warning sign that they were hurt or afraid and so they went right to retaliation mode.
The most insecure people I have come to realize are the fastest to retaliate from a place of anger, because they do not want to do the work of looking deep inside to what caused the anger. Sure sometime they name it, but mostly it is named in a statement of blame. “They did this to me, it is their fault”.
The more secure I become in my inner awareness that I deserve to be treated kindly, the more I can step back from people who try to harm me from their own place of anger. I recognize that when I explore or expose a truth they do not wish to hear, their response will be anger. If I call out bad behaviour, the doers of mean things don’t want to be called out on their choice of bad behaviour, so they respond with anger. They are quite adept at deflecting their anger outward because to look inward requires looking at the inner darkness, the inner negativity, and the false core beliefs around of what good behaviour actually is.
As I look at what causes me to be angry and compare that with what causes others to be angry I start to realize that I have a different relationship toward anger than many others.
- I get angry when I see injustice, whereas many get angry when they don’t get their way.
- I get angry when I see harm being done to others whereas many get angry when they don’t get away with doing harmful things to others.
- My anger stems from a desire for a loving and caring relationship. Many others get angry when they are prevented from having control over others.
And then I realize that having power over others, getting what they want
from others, having their own way is about insecurity. If you feel really threatened and insecure
then you have to “fight” to keep your position of power over others to create a
sense of security.
If you are secure in yourself, you don’t need to control others, which more often than not means you don’t feel the need to retaliate. You can see, the anger as a response, and then make a choice to engage, or to walk away whichever suits the situation best. When anger leads to choice then you own your anger on a different level, your anger does not explode out of you from a place of volatility but rather is can be transformed in a choice of action. If that choice of action can lead to a de-escalation of heightened emotions then you really are in control of your anger rather than the other way around.
I don’t think I am anywhere near finished with the concept of anger. I will continue to struggle with how anger emerges in me in response to the actions and words of others. I will continue to struggle with the idea that I am bad when I feel anger, and struggle to transform that feeling into “no it is okay to feel anger as long as I don’t stop there”. I know I have to work with the anger and uncover what it has to teach me, about myself as well as about the other.
However the one good thing I have accomplished in my study of anger is to realize that I no longer need to suppress my anger. Anger actually is now my friend, a friend who is telling me “this is not okay”. I need to listen to my friend and dig deep and inquire with humility and honesty, “what is my friend trying to teach me?”
Yes it was easier when I could just yell "you make me so angry with the way you treat me" when I could say "it is all your fault". This convoluted path I have been traveling as I heal has taught me otherwise. It has been most humbling but I am a better person for having done this work and for being aware that I have more work yet to do, my personal journey to being a better listener.
Renate Dundys Marrello
2018 – 07 – 23 If you are secure in yourself, you don’t need to control others, which more often than not means you don’t feel the need to retaliate. You can see, the anger as a response, and then make a choice to engage, or to walk away whichever suits the situation best. When anger leads to choice then you own your anger on a different level, your anger does not explode out of you from a place of volatility but rather is can be transformed in a choice of action. If that choice of action can lead to a de-escalation of heightened emotions then you really are in control of your anger rather than the other way around.
I don’t think I am anywhere near finished with the concept of anger. I will continue to struggle with how anger emerges in me in response to the actions and words of others. I will continue to struggle with the idea that I am bad when I feel anger, and struggle to transform that feeling into “no it is okay to feel anger as long as I don’t stop there”. I know I have to work with the anger and uncover what it has to teach me, about myself as well as about the other.
However the one good thing I have accomplished in my study of anger is to realize that I no longer need to suppress my anger. Anger actually is now my friend, a friend who is telling me “this is not okay”. I need to listen to my friend and dig deep and inquire with humility and honesty, “what is my friend trying to teach me?”
Yes it was easier when I could just yell "you make me so angry with the way you treat me" when I could say "it is all your fault". This convoluted path I have been traveling as I heal has taught me otherwise. It has been most humbling but I am a better person for having done this work and for being aware that I have more work yet to do, my personal journey to being a better listener.
Renate Dundys Marrello
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Your last post was 23July, when do you plan your next post? Thanks, Juliet Dee
ReplyDeleteThank you for your inquiry.
ReplyDeleteI write blogs as the ideas pour out of me which means, that they don't follow a schedule.
I hope you can find inspiration by going through my older blogs.
with gratitude
Renate
You write beautifully! Thank you!
ReplyDeletethank you
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