My Daily Reflections: Moving from Break Down to Break Through

 “People cry, not because they are weak, but because they have been strong for too long.”  ~ Johnny Depp   

by Tsukikio Kiyomidzu

It has been my experience, that a ‘break down’ is simply the final sign of having been strong for too long. 

The very same person who takes on other people’s negativity, abuse, verbal put-downs, judgements and criticisms in silence, while attempting to keep the peace in relationships that shouldn’t be, but are abusive, is that one who finally can’t carry the load of self deprecation anymore. 

You fall into the abyss of weeping for all that you can no longer carry and think yourself weak.  You weep for all you have lost as you ponder why others felt they had a right to treat you so hurtfully. 

The first step to healing is break down. To be destroyed, to fall into a valley of sadness, despair and depression. 

Slowly, if you are fortunate and have the right support and resources; the light comes on and you realize; “I am not bad or weak, I have simply been the recipient of too much degradation.”

This is when you realize that the strong self, that part of you which fights back, which rebounds with optimism and self-worth has simply become too overpowered and overwhelmed to continue the battle.

That is when the journey changes from ‘break down’ to ‘break through.’ The blindness of accepting other people’s negative words and behaviours falls away and self-worth rebounds stronger than ever.

The moment you speak the words “I do not and never did, deserve to be treated this way”; is like a giant weight off of your spiritual shoulders. 

It is when you begin to respond to slights, and disrespect differently.  You no longer buy into the gaslighting that it is somehow your fault when others speak unkindly or even abusively, when they treat you badly or disrespectfully, or even that you are supposed to just back down and  “take it”. 

This is when you begin to speak up in self-defense against cruelty disguised as "helpful advice" or even worse "concern about your well-being."  

This is when your new awareness of your own worth begins to speak up and expose or reveals to you those who enjoyed "putting you in your place". 

You recognize these people because when you stand up for yourself they call you names, like selfish, full of yourself, ungrateful, overly sensitive etc. They even try to tell you that you deserved to be treated badly, that it was your fault. Some even stop talking to you, and remove themselves from your life simply because you stop being the quiet recipient of their abusive language and behaviour.

Weeping can be the floodgate releasing the flow of all that you can be, all that you can become. 

RDM

2023 – 02 – 04 

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My Daily Reflection: I'm tired of being the good girl.

I am tired of being good all the time!

Being good has meant that in my relationships I was not allowed to complain.  

• Good people don't point out other people's shortcomings!
• Good people don't make other people feel bad about themselves by pointing out their hurtful behaviour.
• Good people forgive and overlook transgressions.
• Good people turn the other cheek.

Because I wanted to be labeled as "good" I have had to accept being treated with disrespect, being taken for granted,  being denigrated, being dismissed, and being treated as unworthy; simply because good people are expected to grin and bear it,  and never point out the shortcomings or hurtful behaviours of others.  

Good people are expected to silently suffer abuse, to not make waves, to keep the peace at all costs.  That is what I was taught.  That is what I am now questioning.  

I am tired of being the good person who is willing to be walked all over.  No, I am more than tired;  I am exhausted!

If the only way people can see my goodness is by testing how much abuse I can tolerate, then I don't want to be good anymore.

I want to be the kind of good where I am appreciated for the good that I do not for the bad that I overlook.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2023 - 01 - 11

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My Daily Reflections: On Being the Bigger Person

photo by Sunil Patel

As I read this quote I had an ahha moment.  

The admonishment to, ‘be the bigger person'  has been the messaging that has controlled so much of my life.

I have come to realize that in being told to be the ‘bigger person’ what I was actually being told to do was to overlook bad behaviour, make excuses for the other person’s bad behaviour, and in the process to accept disrespect from others.  

The underlying message was that if I was unhappy about being disrespected it was because I was at fault for not being a “big enough” person to overlook their disrespect.   I was the problem, not those who were disrespectful.

This quote I find validating, because it puts on the table to be examined, the fact that I have to be bigger because they are smaller.  It is not that I am not being 'big enough', but rather, that they are small.  The fault is not mine it is theirs.  

And that of course begs the question, why do I let these ‘small people’ control so much of my mind space?  What do I have to prove?  And why should I have to prove myself in the first place?

When I read this quote, I feel freedom, freedom from needing to prove to anyone that I am a better person by accepting disrespect!   Really!   What a bunch of hogwash I have believed!   

If the only way I can be a better person is by accepting disrespectful abusive behaviour and words from others; then I have to question; is that the kind of better person I want to be?

I want to be a better person because of what I do not because of what I overlook.

I want to be active in the process of doing better not passive in the ability to overlook more!

So I will be giving less mental space to the ‘little people’ who want me to overlook their unkindness and will thus have more mental energy / space to give towards being a better version of myself to the ‘big people’ in my life.

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2023 – 01 – 05

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