Daughter; I have moved on.

Daughter, I no longer cry.  I no longer mourn.  I have moved on.  
I have accepted that you don’t want me, like me, accept me, love me.  
I have accepted that what you do want to do is manipulate and control me, 
You want to tell me how I must be to earn your version of love.  

I have learned that love is not something we bargain for, 
Only people who are deeply self-centered and entitled feel that 
They have the right to manipulate others into patterns of being 
Expected ways of serving; to be deemed to be worthy of being given love.

I have learned that my boundaries, my saying no to your abuse
Made you angry because I was no longer controllable, 
I cut the puppet strings you wished me to dance to, no longer did 
Your bidding simply to feel some tiny reluctant scraps of love from you. 

Daughter I have moved on.  I have learned what it feels like to receive love
From those who give love freely, with no strings attached.  
I have learned what it feels like to be supported, honoured and accepted
Simply for being the kind and good hearted person I am. 

I have learned what it feels like be in relationship with people 
Who don’t feel the need to tell me what I ought to do to be “enough”
Who showed me what it feels like to not be shamed into giving,
And giving and then giving some more while I am bleeding on the floor.

I have had the support of therapists and healing groups
Who taught me that I am lovable simple for who I am.
That I don’t have to do more and more and then some more
To be deemed worthy of someone’s acceptance and love. 

Daughter, I have forgiven you, not because what you did was acceptable,
Your actions were and still are cruel and unkind and I did not deserve them.
I have let go of thoughts wishing you to receive your just karma. 
Your actions are a reflection of who you are not of who I was or am. 

I feel sorry for you and my compassionate heart feels for you
Sadly, it is you who continues to live with your hatred and the anger 
Which festers in your heart and these negative energies are tangled up
In your life, the weight in your unconscious is yours alone to carry.

Daughter, I live without regrets, as I know I always did my best.  
Not that I think I was perfect, but I was never cruel or intentionally unkind.
Your unkindness was intentional, purposeful, manipulative striving to feel your superiority
Someday you may regret what you threw away, but that will be your suffering.

My suffering and my grieving is done; I have moved on.  
My heart is filled with love, kindness, caring and compassion.  
My energies are light and positive.  I even radiate joyfulness and laughter.
I give and receive love in a new way now, one that is more fulfilling. 

But I have a final thankyou to give you, your actions opened up my eyes.
Your rejections sent me on a learning journey, a path of healing which
I did not even realize I needed!   I learned that I do not have to beg 
To be loved nor be a doormat to be accepted. Thank you for the awakening.

Renate Dundys Marrello 
2022 – 01 – 20

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Happiness is….finally being able to look back and say; “I did a good job!”

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Today marks 45 years since I gave birth to my first born.  It marks the day I became a mother. 

It marks the moment of greatest hope that I could be adequate to the job of helping a new life reach maturity and become a kind and loving person.

Today I celebrate my motherhood.  The hard work and effort I put into doing the very best that I could.  There are some that will say I did not do good enough.  All my life I have been plagued by people telling me the many ways I failed to be good enough. 

Today I fight back, it is not that I did not do good enough, it is that my best was not appreciated enough.  It is easy to find fault in hindsight.  It is easy to pick another person apart.  What is hard is picking up the pieces and learning that one was actually perfectly adequate, even when no one else appreciated that fact.

When one is in the moment of making choices one makes the best choices one can with the tools at hand.  If I had had better information maybe I could have done better.  But the information I had was flawed, and the people I had around me were also flawed, which they demonstrated by undermining my confidence and my strengths.

I did not have people encouraging me or supporting me.  I had people doubting me and second guessing me.  Telling me what I was doing wrong, never celebrating what I was doing right.  So always I had to make decisions based on what I was able to do within the confines of being told I was inadequate. 

Is it any wonder that I look back and see my own shortcomings?  I have been taught to look for shortcomings in myself.  All problems were related back to my shortcomings.  No one else ever took any responsibility for their negative contributions.  It was always heaped upon my shoulders.  What is amazing is that I did not break under all the weight of self-doubt others burdened me with!

The good news is that I am learning to see that those opinions are what kept me trapped in feeling inadequate and not good enough.  Those opinions are lies.  I did a fantastic job under extremely difficult circumstances and I did it without encouragement and without the support of a pat on the back, without a word of praise, or way to go!   

I never purported to be perfect.   I am human and as a human I have made my share of mistakes.  However, I did a pretty darn good job under the circumstances.  And I did it while I had an audience who constantly let me know that they thought I would fail. 

 Happiness is….finally being able to look back and say;  “I did a good job!”   

Renate Dundys Marrello 

2022 - 03 - 06 

P.S.  Today also marks 13 years of being estranged by a daughter who told me over and over again how badly I failed to be the mother that she wanted.  She focused on my failings, and totally overlooked my successes. (of which there were quite a few!)  That is her prerogative and her choice and I am finally in a place of being able to accept that. 

With joy I see her successes and I am thrilled that she is happy in her life.  However, today, for the first time I can also say that she; in her choice of actions has failed to be the daughter I had hoped for.  And that too is okay.  It was not our destiny to be friends or friendly.  I am sad,  but I have also made peace with what was not meant to be. 

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