My Daily Reflections: Do I miss you? or Do you deserve to be missed?

One of the healing forums I attend asked this question:  do you miss people when you are not with them?

I pondered that question because I find that there are people that I do miss and yet there are those that I don’t miss, or rather that I have learned and accepted that have not earned the right to continue to be missed.   

I do believe this is an important question to ponder because there is something to be learned here about relationships and why some relationships make us feel more comfortable than others.  Why some relationships build us up and others tear us down.  Why some relationships feel like a duty and others like a joy.

As I heal I am learning that I don't miss "some" people.

I have learned, during time spent in introspection, that the people I don't "miss" are the ones that have / had a track record of "using me".   

• Those people who whenever I was with them, I came away feeling emotionally drained.  
• Those who left me feeling exhausted and I felt relief to get away from!   
• Those where the time apart is restorative and so I remained relieved not having to deal with them.  

Those are the people that I have discovered that I don't miss them when I don’t see them.  Not only that when I do think about them I feel this negative shudder about anticipating seeing them any time soon.

I do miss people who behave in such a ways that makes me feel loved or accepted or validated because in their presence I am authentically me and that "feels good" so I miss the "feel good" when I am not with them.  

I struggle to accept myself just as I am.  I worry that I am not good enough, that I am not lovable. These are the false core beliefs that I am constantly working on.  As I think about this aspect of myself I recognize that those people that most help me on my healing journey of self-acceptance are the ones that I miss; for they reflect back to me what I am striving so hard to feel about myself.  Naturally I also miss them as a person because they are the kind of people that lift others up.  They get joy from making others feel good.  They don’t need to put others down to feel good about themselves so they spread good feelings to others.  They feel like souls at peace.  I miss being around souls at peace because they show me what it feels like to be a soul at peace myself.  They show me clearly what I am striving for.

I do think that all this in some way also goes back to attachment issues.   What I know so far is that attachment style reflects what we learned about relationships as a child.  

I believe I learned early that relationships are unsafe.  That sometimes I was wanted and at other times I was in the way, a nuisance.  And I was confused about what was expected and when; and so I learned to withdraw.  

But it was a withdrawing accompanied with thoughts such as; “what is wrong with me now that they don’t want me around”.   

When I am with those people who send me this subliminal message; one that I receive on an intuitive level, that “sometimes I am a bother in their lives, or that I am not meeting their expectations in some way", I feel distinctly uncomfortable.  It is that subtle pushing away that I sense, and I have come to believe that this is what contributes to my discomfort when I am around them.  They reinforce my “unworthy feelings”.   So when I am not around such people is it any wonder that I don’t miss them?  I don’t miss the way they make me feel inadequate, their words, their tone of voice, their looks and even their thoughts seem to penetrate my intuitive awareness leaving a dark cloud of disappointment.

I am new to working out my attachment style and my attachment issues; but I think the bottom line is that I am tired of trying to attach to people who are not good for me.  I am learning that if I don’t miss someone when I am not with them, then subliminally I am getting the message that something about their behaviour, their character is not a good match for mine.  And I am learning that when I feel that way, such a person must be put in the acquaintance category rather than the friend category and I must have higher walls of self-protection when I spend time with them and above all, I can’t trust such people with any vulnerability. 

These are the kinds of people that use vulnerability to manipulate and control.  They are fine to be around for some lighthearted moments but they are not the kinds of people that offer emotional sustenance.  I no longer feel any guilt or regrets over not missing such people when I am not in their company. 

When I spend time with people who see good in me, who encourage me when I have moments of doubt, who express their joy of seeing me as much as I feel joy at seeing them, I feel I am in the company of people of good character, who have done inner healing work.  It is reflected in their body language, in their words and the tone of voice and their actions. When in the company of such people my intuitive awareness becomes filled with light and airiness.  My heart and spirit feels light and buoyant in their presence.  And when I am not with them I miss how two light souls interacting with each other feels.  

These are the friends that I find are in my thoughts regularly and I look forward to seeing them again and I miss especially those who live so far away that I rarely see them.  These people are showing me, teaching me, what healthy attachment feels like.

The more I attach in a good way to the right kind of people; the more I miss not being with those kinds of people....and conversely the less I miss those people with whom I was in an unhealthy attachment relationship with.

I would love to hear from you dear reader, about how you feel about missing or not missing the people in your life. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2019 – 01 – 18

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Post Estrangement: the Hazards of Being Dutiful

Quote:  
“Distance yourself from the people who; lie to you, disrespect you, use you, put you down.”

Permission to distance myself from those who caused me harm never occurred to me until I was well into my healing journey of recovery from being estranged. 

Looking back now, I think one of the root causes of estrangement was that my estranged daughter saw how I tolerated the subtle abuse from my family; the little put downs, the jabs at my ability, the condescending remarks, the barely hidden sneers of derision, how my efforts were not appreciated etc.  

She saw the pain I experienced at family events, where I was taken for granted, ignored, pushed aside, laughed at, teased etc.   She learned that I tolerated abuse and thus she had no reservations about emulating that behaviour and becoming the same category of abuser, the subtle kind, the paper cut kind, the kind where you don’t bleed to death but you do bleed and hurt with each cut.

Maybe if I had been less ‘duty bound’ to stay loyal and obedient to family I would have set a different example.

It is one of those things that I am learning in hindsight; it is not always best to do the ‘duty’ thing believing that it is the right thing to do.  Being obedient to duty alone does have repercussions because in showing what we are willing to tolerate for the sake of family; we teach our offspring that we don’t value ourselves.  They learn by watching that in not respecting ourselves we don’t demand to be respected, and they learn that they don’t need to respect us either.   I have come to believe that maybe if I had had boundaries and knew how to communicate those boundaries I would have set a different example. 

I often hear estranged parents say "why do my children do this to me when I stayed loyal to my family of origin even though they were not a nice family, I did my ‘duty’ why don't my children do their duty?”  

I tussled with that for a long, long time.  I stayed loyal to my abusers because I did not even realize I was being abused!  That is how normal that kind of talk and behaviour was in my family.  It was so normalized that I thought I was deficient and therefore deserved to be spoken to that way!  I never realized that there is a down-side, a hazard to being dutiful! No one talks about this!  They only talk about how important it is to be dutiful! Being dutiful is praised and glorified and because of this we never look at the dark side!  I challenge you; find a single quote that warns about what negative side effects being blindly dutiful might incur. 

And because I thought it was ‘normal’ I allowed my children to watch me being abused!  Was that really the outcome I wanted from staying loyal?  Did I really want them to learn that you stay connected to abusive people?
Of course not!  I thought I was teaching them family values; that you love family even when they misbehave.  I thought I was teaching them that love means you accept people’s negative personality traits by overlooking them.

Of course that is not what they learned at all.  What they learned is that the peace keeper, the people pleaser, is receptive to being mistreated, unworthy of respect. What they learned is that I tolerate neglect, thoughtlessness, criticism in silence.  They thought that my acceptance of such treatment made me weak.  They did not see loyalty, they saw weakness.  And they chose not to be weak; they chose to follow the example of the ones they saw were in their estimation the 'strong ones'.

That meant that they felt they could get away with being mean to me.  I remember well being afraid of my own children when they were in their teens. I was afraid of their anger when they did not get their own way.  I was afraid when they hurled abusive words at me when I set guidelines for their safety or for cordial behaviour.  I continued my learned pattern of backing down instead of affirming boundaries because I feared losing their love.

Instead I lost their respect.  How can you respect a mother who appears weak to you?  How can you respect a mother who tolerates put downs?  How can you respect someone who is kind to you even after you have pointed out to them that they are inadequate?  That is how my children treated me throughout their teens.  And I accepted it because I thought that is how I showed them my love!

Early estrangement cut me off from all three of my adult children.  They agreed that I was the problem.  They agreed that there was something wrong with me, that I insufficient, that I was not enough, that I was unworthy of their love.  They already had no respect for me, so why should they love me?

Over time, 2 of my adult children changed their minds. They started to see what I put up with, when the hurtful behaviours that were always my lot were now also extended to them.  They started to experience the judgmental and critical side of our family. 

They made peace and reunited with me.  Interestingly; once the healing work I did included having boundaries, once I started sticking up for myself, my relationship with my returning adult children improved. To what extent, it is still too early to tell. But they do know that I no longer tolerate abusive comments to be directed at me, and their behaviour is changing in response.  Instead of toleration; I now see glimmers of love and respect in the way they treat me.    

To me this serves as a reminder that as we change due to our healing process, we also affect a change in others.  We inevitably push away those who resent the changes in us, those who resent that we no longer are a push over; and we draw in those who appreciate the kindness that lead us to being such a push over in the first place, who now find a new reason to respect and love us.  

Renate Dundys Marrello

2019 – 01 – 13

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