You are not a kind person if.....

After writing yesterday about kindness I realized that there are a lot of people out there who actually think of themselves as kind people.  They don’t let their mean days or their mean actions affect their self-perception. 

These are the people who when confronted with their meanness; shrug off the need to apologize for their meanness!  

You know the ones I mean; the ones who call you names, then say you deserved it or it was for you own good etc.  They really don’t believe that their wounding words make them unkind! 

They are the people who yell at store clerks or restaurant servers and say they have a right to complain when they don’t get what they want, but they don’t see that the “way” they complain is mean, they don’t seem to realize that you can lodge a complaint without being cruel.

Of course there all the people that are kind and nice when they get their way.  As long as everything is going in their favour they are pleasant and speak nicely.  But as soon as they are not getting what they want, as soon as life throws them a curve ball, they are ranting and blaming and belittling others.  And yet they don’t see those actions as unkindness, they actually feel they are entitled to criticize, to hold grudges, to sit in judgments of others and to say some of the unkindest words and take some of the most hostile actions in retaliation and yet they still think they are kind people.

There are the people that let vitriol pour out of their mouths without a second of thought as to how the other person, the one hearing those words might feel.  Or they choose actions that harm others such as excluding them or neglecting them.  And then they make a justification citing all the reasons why; they deserved being treated with cruelty!  Thus they distance themselves from the cruelty of their actions and still see themselves as kind people! 

Well as someone who has been on the receiving end of the delusions of these people, these people who think they are kind, I am here to tell you; the people who experience your unkindness do not think you are a kind person no matter what you believe.

I am here to tell you that:

• If you are only kind when it suits you, but you lash out in unkindness when you feel thwarted you are not a kind person.
• If you are only kind when you get your own way, but as soon as YOUR expectations are not met you retaliate with unkindness then you are not a kind person
• If you are kind as long as you get what you want but change into rage and spew vitriol the moment you don’t get what you want; then you are not a kind person
• If you don’t consider how the other person might be feeling on the receiving end of your verbal assault, then you are not only unkind but also thoughtless.
• If you get revenge on other people for not meeting your standards and expectations by punishing them with rejection or neglect or exclusion or any other kind of withholding behaviour you are not a kind person.

You don’t get to be a part time nice person. 

• The test of a kind person is not during the times when things are going smoothly. 
• The test of a nice person is how they behave during the difficult times. 
• The test of kind person is how they act when they don’t get what they want, when things go wrong, when mistakes are made. 
• The test of a nice person happens when they confront a shortcoming and how they respond in a non-combative way to work toward a solution.

Being a nice person is a commitment to be kind even when you don’t get your way, even when your needs have not been met, even when you feel aggrieved. 

• The test of a nice person is how they handle disappointment without flying into a rant and a rage. 
• The test of a nice person is how they handle a correction or a complaint without resorting to a fight or or the need to destroy the other person. 
• The test of a nice person is how they confront those not so smooth moments in life with communication and problem solving skills without the need to defeat the other person with slander and lies

If you are only nice and kind when the times are easy and you get what you want you are not really a nice person.  
You are an entitled person who believes that you deserve only the best all the time. 

If the difficult times bring out your rage, your desire to inflict pain, your need to get even, your need to destroy others, then you are not a kind person. 

If the challenges in your life bring out the vindictive, judgmental side of your character, if they inflame your desire for retaliation, the need to punish and the need to get even; then you are NOT a kind person.

Kindness is not something that we get to practice only during the good times.  Kindness is what we need the MOST when things are not so good.  

Our character is not tested when we are happy and satisfied.  Anyone can be nice and kind during the good times!  

Our character is tested by how we respond, what words we say, what tone we take, what our reactions are and how we follow through on our hurt and frustrated and angry moments.  If in those moments of testing the mean spirited person comes out, THAT is who you really are.  You are only pretending to be a kind person when it suits you.

So please; don’t preach to me about what a kind person you are after you have demonstrated to me just how cruel and mean and heartless you were when you did not get your way.  What you REALLY  are is a selfish person who simply pretends to be kind as long as you get whatever it is that you want. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 10 – 30  

Link to my Facebook Reflections Page

My journal blog entries are copyright.

I love when you share my page to spread the word.

If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. 

photo credits: as marked or unknown  

beware the blind side of kindness

I read so many memes about being kind. I seem to be inundated with them lately.  Be kind, be kind!

Here is the problem!  The people that take such memes to heart are the ones that already are kind! 

They are the people that smile at strangers.  

They are the people that watch their words and don’t say things that are unkind or meant to hurt.  

They don’t call people names and verbally abuse other.  They are the people that do good deeds to others like phoning or texting or emailing their friends regularly. 

They are the people who have tears in their eyes when they point out that you have inadvertently crossed one of their boundaries and caused them pain.

These people don’t need to be reminded to be kind! they already walk the path of kindness! 

I find it interesting that the people who need the advice to “be kind” are the very ones whose character defect is that they treat others with a distinct lack of kindness.  

• They always show their grumpy face to the world.
• They complain about everything and everyone.  
• No service is good enough.
• They find fault with everything.
• They complain about every injustice whether real or only perceived.
• They regularly ignore and neglect people and expect others to pick up the slack. 
• They have no trouble using emotionally abusive language if they feel they have not gotten what they want or expect from others.  And they act like their expectations are entitlements.
• They shun and reject anyone who does not meet their standards or especially anyone who dares to point out to them that they were unkind.

For some reason these people remain unaffected by all the reminders to be kind! 

• Do they really think that those reminders are not meant for them? 
• Do they feel that the world owes them kindness but they have no need to return any kindness out to the world?

For years and years I beat my head against a figurative brick wall being kind to people only to be casually shown abuse and disrespect in return.  

I am learning that this is called “toxic normal”.   It is when bad behavior / unkind behaviour / emotionally abusive behaviour is so frequently practiced upon us that we accept it as the way things are supposed to be. We accept it because we have never known any differently or any better.

I think I am a slow learner.   But finally, with my head bleeding from the pounding, I am learning that it is not enough for me to be kind, I have to also expect others to be kind to me.  If I don’t hold them accountable for their behaviour they will surely continue with their toxic normal because they simply have gotten used to getting away with it. 

I can’t force these people to be kind.  A million memes to “be kind” will not penetrate their thick skin of self-assuredness that they have a special right to be unkind simply because it suits them, or servers them in some emotionally depraved way. 

However self-kindness, the other side of the kindness coin, means that most assuredly I do not have to allow these people into my life or back into my life as long as they believe I, by my virtue of kind heartedness, am an easy target for their unkindness.  

Just because I am kind does not mean that I have to continue to be an emotional punching bag for others to work out their emotional pain upon.  I respect their pain, I acknowledge their pain and I even sympathize with their pain. However that does not give them the right to inflict pain upon me.  My kindness must stop when people start to think that my kindness makes me weak or makes me an easy target or makes me a convenient victim or makes me abusable.

So next time I see one of the “be kind” memes I will be kind, I will be kind to myself and maintain my healthy boundaries for self-protection.  And I will be kind to the people who treat me with kindness and respect.  And I will be kind to strangers and greet them with smile.  And I will even be kind to the people who come to me acknowledging their past unkindness and asking to make atonement.   Why?  Because I know that the act of wanting to make atonement means they have done some personal healing work. 

What I will not do is show kindness to people who abuse me with words or actions by making myself their victim.  I will with kindness however give them the space to feel my absence so that they can maybe realize that have some healing work to do.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 10 – 29

Link to my Facebook Reflections Page

My journal blog entries are copyright.

I love when you share my page to spread the word.

If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. 

photo credits: as marked or unknown  

Post Estrangement: Thoughts about Friendship

Danial Laport quote: 

"On our dark days, our exhausted days we may think that no one is celebrating us…but there is someone thanking you for something or showing you how good you are."

I think I have had way too few of these kinds of friends or relationships in my life. I came to realize this when the darkness of shadow entered my life in the form of a traumatic rejection. That was when I learned what a shallow support system I really had.

Looking back I see that my life has been filled with people eager and willing to tell me all the ways I have let them down, who have gleefully pointed out my failures and my faults, who have compared me to others and found me lacking. And I accepted this because I believed they were reflecting the truth at me. I had come to believe I deserved their disparagement. Most of them disappeared from my life the day the shadow entered my life and I never heard from them again. I fought for my recovery with less than a handful of friends who stood by me. And some of those remaining friends I lost when I started to become stronger. Some I lost when I started to say no to any abusive put downs. Some I lost when I enforced my newly learned boundaries. And some I lost when they became envious of me for going after my dreams.

As I got better, as healing transformed me and I started to recognize that maybe I did have worth. I also was given the gift of some incredible new friendships. Friendships that lifted me up, that saw through my grief and into my heart filled with kindness and a longing to be loved. They celebrated my moments of progress, they supported me thought the darker days, they encouraged me to continue my healing path because I was worthy of being healed.

Finally, over time, I think I have come to realize that I deserve a better class of friends. I have created a different definition of what a friend is and in the process I have brought those kinds of people into my life.

It took me a while, but I now recognize who those friends are, and they are in the most unlikely places and showed up at the most unlikely times. I think of them as my angels of survival. Without their presence I might not be here today. I did not hear their messages as clearly when my mind was clouded with negative and critical self-images. However, I did feel their healing balm. Now I feel the warmth of their loving acceptance and that sustains me through my darker days. 

I have also created a definition of what friends don’t do and now recognize those would be friends are not really friends but rather people looking for someone else to bolster their ego. I have found a name for them; my emotional vampires. They are the people that I know that I need to be very careful around for they envy my happiness and they feed off of my despair. They are the ones that claim the loudest that they love me and then stab me in the back with actions that prove otherwise.

Their words on one day may say “come here I care” and then on other days their words and their actions trigger my “you have just been emotionally attacked” warning button and I feel pushed away.

They are not to be trusted because they are inconsistent and that inconsistency is based on the unease they feel when they feel that their expectations are not being met by me. They have come to see me as the solution to their self-esteem problem regardless of what the cost may be to me. In effect they are saying it is easier to coerce my help feeding their ego needs than to find a way to heal themselves.

I keep my emotional vampires at a self-respectful distance. I wear my thickest emotional armour when I am near them so that I don’t get deluded into letting my guard down.

I still sometimes have a dark day, days when I am emotionally exhausted, days when I think I am on this journey of healing all alone, and then out of the blue one of my angels, says the most incredible thing, or lets me know how I have touched their hearts, or thanks me for something that I did or said that touched or helped them. And I feel uplifted for they helped me to see the goodness in myself that sometimes my inner critic fails to recognize, especially on a dark day.

Thank you to all the friends that I think of as the angels in my life.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 10 – 10

Link to my Facebook Reflections Page

My journal blog entries are copyright.

I love when you share my page to spread the word.

If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. 

photo credits: as marked or unknown  

Post Estrangement: Reflections on this Thanksgiving Day

I think of this day as a day for giving thanks for the blessings that we have. Sometimes this is hard to do when we have to face the things that we don’t have.

For me family is something I value so much. In my life I have done so much that has been uncomfortable for me to preserve family.

• I have neglected my own needs to keep family intact.
• I have accepted disrespect to myself, to keep family together. 
• I have made myself and my needs small to keep family together 

...and in the end it did not make any difference. Our family disintegrated when I was so worn out from trying to be everything to everyone that I became unable to give anymore. My spirit was so broken there was nothing more I could give without healing me first. 

The first break happened when someone used external events; that could have brought us closer if handled differently, to divide the whole family between those who would talk to me and those who would not. 

Then, as over time some of those relationships were reborn, others fell apart when it became clear that in healing I was no longer the totally self-sacrificing person that I used to be. 

• I dared to ask to be treated with respect! 
• I had the audacity to ask for equally divided emotional labour in maintaining relationships!
• for the first time in my life I had the temerity to say NO and to speak up for myself!

And some responded by walking away and others with confusion as they no longer knew how to relate to someone no longer willing to give and give and give until it killed my inner spirit.

As I ponder this, I think that many people see Thanksgiving as an event to ponder where they have been shortchanged and to manipulate events into giving them more. They see Thanksgiving as I time to tally the balance sheet and claim that they have not received enough.

So how can I be different? 

I can be different by seeing all that I have lost, all that I had hoped for that I have not been given and still give thanks! 

I have been given the gift of time, time for learning and reflection!

What a bountiful gift!

It has taught me to never take anything for granted because even those things you cherish most deeply and strive so hard to protect can be taken away.

I have been given the gift of knowledge and emotional healing!

What a bountiful blessing!

In coming to understand how personality and character affects our relationships, I have had such an eye opening experience. Learning that just because I feel empathy for others; that others do not necessarily feel the same way towards me; has allowed me to come out of the naivety that kept me beating my head against a brick wall and wondering why I had a headache.

I have been given the gift of mindfulness, of being more aware of the incredible gift of life and how precious each day is. I can look at this moment and see the beauty in it, even in the midst of heartache and sadness and regret.

I can see the gift of having my journal writing to connect with my innermost thoughts and keep me focused on healing as a journey rather than just a single event.

I have the blessing of being able to write my stories and connect with my grandson Walter; and even though I don’t know him at all in the physical realm I have a deep connection with him on the emotional realm.

I have been blessed with finding that I am not alone in this journey of recovery and that there are many other brave souls like me trying to make sense of all that has been lost. 

I am blessed that I did not end up going to the end of my life journey without learning all these powerful lessons; lessons that I would never have felt the need to learn if I had not endured the trauma of being alienated and discarded.

And so this Thanksgiving I give thanks to all the people who threw me away, they have given me so much more than what they withheld.

• You withheld your love and I learned how to love myself and feel deeply connected with and loved by the Divine
• You withheld your respect and I learned how to respect myself and treat myself with kindness.
• You withheld your compassion and I learned the magic of self-care and self-compassion.
• You withheld a connection because I would not change myself enough to please you and I learned how to be authentic with myself and that I too needed to be able to feel my emotions rather than sublimating my feelings to ensure your pleasure.
• You withheld relationship building honesty to conceal your unending need for more, and I learned how to be brutally honest with myself about my character, your character and the real nature of our relationship that was based on mask wearing pretenses.

I have gained so much more from being tossed away than I ever expected to gain.

Out of my sorrow has grown this bounteous gift of awareness and understanding and even acceptance that this is how it was meant to be for my own successful transformation to a person who loves and cares for and accepts herself enough to expect to be treated with the same degree of kindness that I have always so willingly offered to others.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 10 – 08

Link to my Facebook Reflections Page

My journal blog entries are copyright.

I love when you share my page to spread the word.

If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. 

photo credits: as marked or unknown  

Post Estrangement: Did I Know You?

I am starting to think that for me now, at this point in time, there is a huge difference between holding a fond memory of someone and knowing them. 

I believe rather there are people that I used to think I knew, but who in hindsight turned out to be people I really did not know at all.  More and more I realize that the people who have abandoned me, I clearly did not KNOW them. 

If I really knew them I would have known they were unhappy,

If I really knew them I would have known they were upset with me,

I would have known that they had issues with something I had done; because when you really KNOW someone you have a relationship with them where they tell you things!  

The fact that they did not tell me things, that they kept secrets about how they really felt about me, meant I did not really know them at all. I only knew the mask they chose to wear while in my presence, I only knew who they pretended to be when with me.

And after they left, I only know the thoughts they harboured about me as I discovered from the names they called me and the way they talked about me behind my back.  

NO, that is not “knowing someone”.  


That is having been in someone’s life and not knowing them at all. 

That is having someone leave your life and discovering how little you meant to them and what they secretly thought of you.
It means discovering that they did not care enough about you to consider your feelings.  
And sometimes it even means discovering how little respect they had for you. 

Sometimes we get to know the truth of them, only from the manner in which they leave us.

Renate Dundys Marrello
2018 – 10 – 05

Link to my Facebook Reflections Page

My journal blog entries are copyright.

I love when you share my page to spread the word.

If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. 

photo credits: as marked or unknown  

My Daily Reflection: Respect

A quote I read today:  

“treat people the way you want to be treated, 

talk to people the way you want to be talked to. 

Respect is earned not given”

I can see the wonderful optimism of this quote however I can also see that it is not reality.  We can only choose to give respect, to live our own actions of respect.  We cannot control whether others will reciprocate. 

Even if we do everything right we cannot always earn respect. Yes we may deserve respect but not everyone is willing to give respect even to those who have earned or deserve it.

We can only control our own behaviour but we cannot control whether or not others will give respect to us.

Respect is a gift that some give but it is always their choice!

There are others who withhold respect in an effort to control us or manipulate us into giving them something they feel they are entitled to.  They withhold respect because they use respect as a currency to gain them something they feel they deserve or some expectation they have.

Some of the most painful moments in my life came from expecting to be treated with respect simply because I did the right thing or the good thing.  Only to discover that others did not feel the need to treat me with respect even though I acted with good intentions and with integrity.

Those are the people who use withholding of respect as a weapon to gain something for themselves.

It would be nice if respect were something everyone felt was a universal gift.   But sadly, there are those who do not live the golden rule. They expect respect to be given to them but treat others with disrespect.

Human nature and human behaviour remains very challenging for me to understand.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 10 – 03

Link to my Facebook Reflections Page

My journal blog entries are copyright.

I love when you share my page to spread the word.

If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. 

photo credits: as marked or unknown