My Daily Reflections: Pondering Responsibility

Quote I read recently:  
“no one wants to take responsibility”

I am starting to wonder, if everyone waiting for someone else to take responsibility first, is part of the problem in relationships?

Here is me all these years hoping that others would just somehow know that I wanted to be treated better, and hoping that they would start to treat me better! But I never bothered to do the work until now to figure out how to teach them how to treat me better.

So does that mean that in some small way I am complicit for being treated badly because I did not take responsibility for learning and doing what I needed to do to create a better platform for respect.

If I had done the work I am doing now when I was in my twenties and my thirties, how would my relationships have been different?

I can't go back obviously in to the past and make changes, but I can take ownership that my failure to do so actually contributed to the relationship problems that I experienced. I allowed it to happen.

That is a hard pill to swallow.

But if I can accept that I was remiss in not doing what it took to change me, can I continue to blame others for not changing their behaviour when they did not get any clear indication from me that their behaviour needed changing?

My expectation was for them to change, and I felt hurt when they did not change, but in concealing my disappointment and in not expressing my needs with clarity I actually implied acceptance of their negative behaviours.  OUCH!

If I had given them clear indications of my needs and then had those needs rejected, I might have lost the relationship.  I think it was the fear of losing the relationship that transformed into a lack of my taking responsibility for changing me and correcting my “route of least resistance”; which was to accept that which was unacceptable.  

I think taking personal responsibility is hard work.  It is challenging work. It is scary work!  But I do believe it is an important part of healing work. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 09 – 26


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My Daily Reflections: Pity the Bully

So many bullied people 

It means there are so many bullies.

Why oh why are there so many bullies?

What sorrow creates the bully?

I heard once that the child who is bullied

By their emotionally wounded parents

Becomes a target for the school yard bully.

But imagine, what pain the bully

Must have had to endure

To become a bully.

Bullies all around

Bullies at home

Bullies in friendships

Bullies in families

Bullies at school

Bullies in the workplace

So many bullies

Bullies all around

Why does our society work on this level?

Why do people like to exert their power?

Why do the sensitive souls have to languish

In anguish?

The struggle to survive all the bullies

Seems at times insurmountable!
Bullied all my life I strove

To reach my children with love,

To teach empathy and compassion

And yet I raised another bully,

Who started bullying me at age of 7. 

I thought it was just childish ignorance

A lack of comprehension.

Teaching kindness did not work

Unconditional acceptance failed

Love lavished never solved anything

Demonstrations of compassion failed

Or maybe I failed to make myself understood

The taunts got worse as she matured
Always comparing me to other parents

Always I was the least satisfactory of all.

Always I was the one that caused her

Embarrassment simply for being me.

Always the message that I was not good enough

Always the message that if only I were different

Then maybe she could tolerate me.

Bullies, bullies all around me.

First the elders

Then the peers

And finally the younger generation

The common denominator me

What is it about me that invites

The bully to enact

Their hostility upon me?

Is it my meekness,

My humility, my desire to get along?

Is it my lack of boundaries

Or my desire for peace?

Why can’t we all just get along?

Why must my spirit be stomped beneath

Cruel words of judgment and comparison

For you to feel relief?

Slowly I learn that maybe my pain

Is less than your pain. 

My pain is to suffer at your hands.

Your pain is that you only find relief

When harming me and others like me.

My pain evaporates when I recognize

My strength,

My empowerment,

My ability to rise above your taunts,

To walk away.

As I recognize the value

Of my own goodness,

My kindness,

My ability to love even when hurting

As I heal

I transform

Things become more clear to me

On my path of love and compassion.

Your need to cause me pain

Is an illusion that never ends.

You believe that you prolong my torment

Never realizing

That in doing so

You are the source of your own torment.

 

Your only relief is finding another to torment

And then another
And then yet another.

For the hole of emptiness within,

The one that drives you to hurt others

Is a never-ending pit of self-deception.

Unexplored reasons for your anger

The invisible rut of your existence.
Suppressed and unexpressed emotions

Leaking out in hurtful speak.

I used to feel sorry for myself

Until I came to understand

That your life is worse than mine.

I only experience your hate filled

Excretions of pain

On those occasions when

I am in your presence.

When the vileness

Of your inner thoughts

Passes your lips

In outward condemnation.

Or sometimes

When I reflect upon,

Our past together

And the nature of the hurting things

You said or did to me

You however live it constantly

Unendingly,

Even in your unknowingness,

Your buried hate is your soul mate,

It is your constant companion.

You have no relief.

You cannot walk away from yourself.
Every time you look into the mirror

You see that person who copes in life

By tormenting others.

Do you ever wonder

Why you drive people away?

Do you ever wonder where

Those mean thoughts originate?

Do you ever wonder about

Your own dissatisfaction?

Or does hurting others make you blind

To your own deep inner hurting?

How would you respond

To know that I pity you?

To discover that I

Would rather be the victim

Of your bitter spitefulness

Than live with the anger

You carry buried

Festering away inside, 

The way you are doomed to do.

I can compassionately love you

My tormentor

Knowing that my torment

Though open and apparent

Is healable, transmutable,

Transformational.

Whereas yours is deceptive,

The cesspool of existence

You call your happy life

Influenced by unresolved issues

Things you fear to look upon

Things you keep buried in darkness

Because they are the essence

Of who you have allowed

Yourself to become.

Your vindictiveness

First a place to hide away from

Emotions too scary to face

Has become your prison.

I pity you,

The bullies of my life.

And I am grateful every day

To be your victim,

And especially I am thankful

That I am not you.

  
By Renate Dundys Marrello
2018 - 09 - 15 


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My Daily Reflections: The Insidiousness of Verbal Abuse

I have been pondering why verbal abuse is so insidious?

Why did I suffer from years and years of verbal abuse in so many of my relationships and do nothing about it?

Verbal abuse is so easily hidden. 

Verbal abuse is often hidden behind the veil of “I am telling you this for you own good”.  Or even “I only want the best for you that is why I have to tell you this.” It is hidden behind comments of comparison or “helpful critique”.  Some verbal abusers hide their digs inside jokes or in how they re-frame the stories they tell about you.  In short verbal abuse is often disguised to appear innocent.  However that does not alter the damage it does.

You have to know what to look for to even realize that it is happening.  

Abusers don’t want to be exposed so certainly they are not going to tell you what is happening.  They will even deny that they are doing anything, they will act all innocent, “who me?” or “I don’t do that!” 

Instead they will imply that you are too sensitive.  They will make their habit of verbal abuse be your fault!   They may even be unconscious that they are doing anything hurtful.  But even if they are good people with an underlying unaddressed issue, verbal abuse is very corrosive to any relationship, even the most loving.

Because of this you have to sort of figure it out all on your own and they will fight you every step of the way!  They use the tactic of verbal abuse to keep control in their lives and to do that they must keep you under their control. As long as you are controllable you are not a threat to them and their self-image, and they can get from you whatever it is they need.  All of their verbal abuse has one goal, to gain some sort of advantage for themselves.  They use their verbal abuse to keep you in “pleasing them mode”, to keep you feeding their egoic needs, to use you to make them feel good about themselves.

Verbal abuse tears you down, slowly and insidiously.  Sometimes it can take years and years before you hit the rock bottom of total devastation, feeling worthless and shamed to the point that you wonder if you really are this horrible person they say you are.

This means that most of this learning you have to begin during your healing journey and figure these things out while you are still hurt and confused.

And then you start to realize what has brought you to this low point and you can look back and see all those “moments” when you were verbally abused but did not recognize it.  Your “gut feelings” may have known that something was wrong…but verbal abusers make sure that you don’t trust your “gut feelings”, because responding to your gut feelings / your intuition would break the control cycle.

If you are a recovering “people pleaser” look back to see those moments of verbal abuse that kept you locked in that pattern of behaviour. 

#1.  Verbal abuse happens where no one can see:  Verbal abuse is something that abusers do in private, they make sure there is never a witness.  This is so that they can deny what they said, imply that you misunderstood them, and make you, the victim, appear crazy which is why it is then so easy for them to use your own sense of guilt in the shaming process.

#2.  Feeling unappreciated:  Verbal abusers never appreciate the actions of others.  There is always a judgement or a criticism or comparison. Whatever someone does it is never good enough.  They talk about others in front of you in the same way, pointing out their shortcomings.  Then when they point out your shortcomings you think it is just them being “honest”.  However this lack of appreciation over a long period of time leaves a sense of emptiness in the victim. It is that sense of perpetual emptiness that is a sign that you have been verbally abused.

#3. Name Calling: Verbal abusers use name calling to control others by making them feel inferior or shame. A shamed person will then blame themselves.  A shamed person looks for what is wrong with themselves and try to figure out what they need to do differently.  A shamed person remains confused because they can’t seem to figure out what exactly is wrong with them.  That is how the abuser gets to continue the abuse because they precipitate self-doubt in the victim.
The most insidious part is that the names don’t have to be that horrible.  Simply being called “selfish” for taking care of yourself is devastating! How about “you would look nicer if you changed this about your appearance” not quite calling you ugly but certainly implying it.  Not calling you fat directly but telling you that this “big article of clothing ought to fit you” combined with a “look” or condescending sneer and you have the equivalent of something just as bad as any of the horrible name calling words. How about when someone “takes over” and does things “for you” implying that you are too stupid to do them for yourself?  These are just some examples of different ways you can be called names without the verbal abuser actually even saying anything that appears to be so “bad”.  But your gut screams out in pain! 

#4. Mood killers: When someone feels good or is happy about something, abusers like to kill that joy.  They only feel powerful and in control when others are less happy than they are.  You have good news, they have better news.  You have a great vacation; they interrupt and tell you about their better vacation.  You are happy about an accomplishment; they give you the deadpan face and switch the conversation to something about themselves.   You share something you are proud of or did well, they will tell you about a friend who did it better.

#5. Attack other people’s interests:  Abusers denigrate and put down other people’s interests.  This is another way for them to remain in control by making the other person feel worthless.  They can do this with a simple look, a scowl, an eye roll or simply by changing the topic to something they are interested in. They can also do this by always having an example of someone who has more worthy interest, or by pointing out that someone else does it better, more proficiently, or gets paid for doing it etc. 

#6. Abusers are always right: Abusers never apologize or admit that they have done something bad. They believe they are superior and right and therefore you must be inferior and wrong.  When a wrong action of theirs is pointed out they act offended and go on the attack by putting you down or pointing out something they want you to feel ashamed about. If you insist on an apology they will avoid you or give you the silent treatment, they will play the victim and even try to make you feel that you are a bad person for wanting the respect of an apology. They will even try to make you feel that you are a bad person for holding them accountable for their words.

#7. Isolation:  People who have been abused seek isolation to remove themselves from and keep themselves safe from further abuse.  They feel unsafe, uncomfortable and anxious around people because verbal abuse leads to low self-esteem.  They fear the next attack of verbal abuse and start looking for it and expecting it so they can set up some sort of protective emotional armour before it occurs. They know it is coming they are just not sure when. 
And interestingly the verbal abusers will then try to make the victim feel shame or that there is something wrong with them for preferring alone time.  The verbal abuser will imply with their words that the victim’s desire to be alone means there is something wrong with them.

#8. Blamed:  Verbal abusers blame others for everything.  Nothing is ever their fault. Even the verbal abuse is not their fault because the victim made them do it.  The victim is told that if they were different then they would not need to be put in their place.   This leaves the abuse victim feeling even more blamed and shamed, unworthy, and not good enough.
The recovering verbal abuse victim will even be blamed for pointing out the abuse. 
They will be blamed for saying NO I will not allow myself to be treated this way anymore.
They will even be blamed for withdrawing from interactions with the verbal abuser.  

Recovery from verbal abuse is possible but first you have to learn to recognize it. 

Recognizing verbal abuse means that you can set firm boundaries in place and end interactions that are verbally abusive either by stating that a boundary has been crossed, learning comebacks that express that you caught the attempt and won’t tolerate it; or if the verbal  abuser refuses to accept the boundary, by ending that social engagement .

I am still a work in progress. 

I am learning to listen to my gut feelings and my emotional instincts which itself is a huge step forward.  I am learning what verbal abuse “feels like” by the creepy, crawly emotions that I feel and I respond by honouring those feelings with justified anger at being treated badly. And justified anger allows me to take the steps necessary to stand up for myself.  I am learning that I do not have to tolerate being treated with verbal abuse.  I can take actions to protect myself and remove myself for the source of abuse

I am under no illusion that the verbal abusers in my life will change their ways.  They have no reason to change because; see #6, they are always right.  I however do not have to tolerate their ways as I can end the conversation or walk away to take other measures to give myself the emotional safety that I deserve.

More importantly I am starting to learn what relationships feel like with people who don’t feel the need to use verbal abuse!  I am learning to recognize how wonderful I feel when I am not being attacked.  I am learning what non-violent communication feels like!

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 09 – 11  


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