My Daily reflections: No longer willing to be manipulated by shamers

I have started noticing something that I never really thought about in the past. 

I notice that I no longer allow myself to be manipulated by blame and shame.

I no longer take responsibility for other people’s expression of outrage.

I no longer suppress my feelings to appease other people.

I never before observed that there are people who used their “feelings” to attack.  

Here is a general scenario:

• I express my point of view, offer my opinion or express my concerns.
• The other person does not like my point of view so they express anger towards me for daring to have that point of view.
• I reaffirm that I have a right to my view point even if it is different from theirs.
• They up the ante and call me names and tell me how horrible I am for “making them feel angry”.  
• In other words; they hold me responsible for their feelings.  
• Implying that I did something wrong, that in expressing my point of view I somehow forced them to become angry.

At this point I am left with a choice to make.

• Do I back down and allow them to shame me into retracting my opinion? 
• Or do I express my right to my opinion and that it is okay to have a difference of opinion. 

In the old days, before I learned to have compassionate respect for myself I always backed down and gave in to the person simply because I did not want to have them be “angry” with me. I went into what I called my “peacekeeper mode”.  I sacrificed my right to my opinion and I allowed their overt anger to shame me into silence.   I allowed their anger to overrule my right to my own opinion.

It is interesting that in learning and healing I have now changed. 

I no longer allow another person’s anger to shame me into silence. 

Why? 

Because I have come to realize that when they use their anger to blame and or shame me they are actually manipulating me into compliance, they are blaming me and making me feel bad about myself in order to get things “their way”.  

I am learning that those who make their angry feelings my responsibility are actually being controlling.  I am not responsible for them being angry; it is their responsibility for not being able to deal with a feeling of discomfort caused by a difference of opinion.

As I look back I see how easily I used to be manipulated by others simply by accepting that I was “responsible” for how they felt. My old people pleasing persona felt the need to appease, to back down, to give in, all for the sake to “their” happiness.  I felt on some deep false core belief level that I was responsible for “their” feelings.  This of course always required me to swallow or disregard my own feelings.  I could not have any feelings because it was my job to safe guard their feelings and my feelings got in the way.  That meant if I felt angry at being “shut down” I was forced to swallow my anger, I did this by telling myself I was a bad person for feeling angry. 

I no longer feel that way. I feel now that I deserve better.  I actually feel that I deserve to feel angry when someone tries to manipulate me with blame and shame.  It is a legitimate feeling in response to being manipulated.   It is a warning siren saying “look out your boundaries are being violated”.   I don’t turn my anger on the other person (that is what revenge looks like) but what I do now is accept the message the anger is sending me that I am being violated and take steps to protect myself from feeling guilt or shame. 

I have learned that while it is good to feel a responsibility to be kind and nice (the proper place for guilt and shame is as a reminder to act with civility); it is not good for me to allow my niceness to be used against me (where my guilt and shame is used to coerce me to change to further someone else’s agenda). 

I am learning that I must utilize self-compassion to recognize the emotional abuse of having my niceness and my propensity to feel responsibility for others people’s feelings be used to attack my value as a person of equal rights.  Boundary work means I am learning that while others have a right to disagree with me, they do not have the right to shame me into compliance.

My only questions now are,

• Why has it taken me this long to figure this out?
• Where were the people in my life that could have taught me this sooner?  
• Why am I still affected when someone tries this trick on me? 
• Why do I still harbor that nasty inner voice that says, “Maybe you should back down” and why do I have to work to hard to preserve my rights?
• Why is there still a part of me that wants to be perceived as being “nice” that is willing to suffer that pain of shame in order in exchange for the outside validation of niceness?
• When will my own self validation that I am always striving to be a thoughtful kind and nice person be enough to not lead me into the temptation of allowing myself to be controlled by the shamers? 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 05 – 29

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My Daily Reflections: Breaking through

“Breakthrough”: that moment when you say; "I have had enough I am not going to take it anymore!"

It is both liberating and isolating!

Those who do not understand the why and the how you are changing see a stranger has emerged!

Which is why “break-throughs” are often called breakdowns; because it is simpler to identify you as crazy rather than accepting that you have grown tired of being abused and put down. 

“Break throughs” happen when you are so tired of being mistreated that you are willing to do the hard work of changing yourself and your false core beliefs come up for review!  They happen when you are tired enough of being mistreated and silently accepting mistreatment in order to “not rock the boat”’ that you are willing to face the rejection that comes with saying NO MORE.

“Break throughs” change you from the inside out, you change your beliefs about your self-worth and you create boundaries so that you stop being compliant and easy going and you begin to stand up for yourself, and hold people accountable for their negative and hurtful actions. 

“Break throughs” help you to see clearly those people who only tolerated you in their lives because of your usefulness to them; for whom saying “I love you” while treating you badly, was a way of keeping you trapped in relationships that feed their ego.

“Break throughs” are painful for they reveal truths that a part of you suspected (those moments when you felt unlovable or unworthy) but for the first time you see those truths revealed in all their ugliness and you grieve for what you thought you had but which turned out to be a lie.

“Break throughs” liberate you because you no longer cling to relationships that are based on false assumptions of caring.

“Break throughs” isolate you because the moment you no longer function as a “need fulfiller” to the users, they dump you.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2018 – 05 – 28

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My Daily Reflections: is this love?

I find that there is much talk about love and love being the answer but there is very little reflection done on what does it mean to act in a loving manner.

I have often heard the words spoken to me “I love you” by the very people that do things to me or say things to me that deeply hurt me.  How can this be?

I have had people tell me that they love me, and yet when I am with them I feel not only unloved but unworthy of being loved.  How can that be?

It has led me to ponder; do people actually think about what they say and / or do and how it might be perceived by the other person?

Here are some examples I have experienced in my own life journey:

o    “oh what a wonderful time I had today going shopping with XXX  we had such a great time together, I can’t believe how much fun we had”, and then goes on to list all the things they saw, tried on, laughed over etc.  When this comes from a person who doesn’t invite me to "just go on a shopping outing", how am I supposed to feel loved?  They don’t want to spend time with me but relish telling me about the time the spent with someone else!!!  Then they finish their conversation with an “I love you.”   What does that even mean? How can they make me feel so excluded and then claim to love me?

o   “I meant that with love”.  This coming from someone who has just finished calling me all kinds of names, blackened my name with malicious gossip, had people spy on me, told me in a long letter all the things that were wrong with me, excluded me and stopped talking to me.  So how do they reconcile love with those kinds of actions?  How can someone do such cruel things and then say they were meant with love?  I am still amazed when I think back on this incident that this person claimed to do this with loving intent!

o   I have been told what to do and how to be and what I am allowed to say or not say by people who claim they love me!  If they want me to be different than who I am, if they want me to pretend to be someone else do they really love me or do they love who they want me to be to satisfy their ego needs?  And if they want me to be other than I am do they really believe that this is the way to express love?  Do they consider how it makes me feel to not meet up to their expectations? 

o   “My friend XXX is such a wonderful person”, and this is then followed by a list of why they are so wonderful and that list is all about what that person DID for them.  Are they telling me that I am lacking in some way for not “doing” those things?  Or are they telling me that when I do those things I am not worthy of praise or thanks, but it is okay to make me feel as though I have not done enough because they praise others but not me?  Is this a loving action, a kind action, a thoughtful action?   Am I supposed to interpret this as love?  When they say they love me after praising another person while not recognizing my good actions are they thinking about my feelings? Is this love?

o   Being excluded by someone who claims to love you is an interesting one.  “I did not want to be a bother to you and give up my independence so I didn’t tell you that I went for surgery.”  Only to find out that they told just about every other friend and family member about that same surgery.  How am I supposed to interpret that?  What am I being punished for?  Do I come across as being bothered when asked for help?  Do I overstep the boundaries and impose upon another person’s independence?  Am I such a bad friend that I need to be excluded?  And if I am such a bad person why do they then still insist that they love me when their actions make me feel like I am being punished? 

o   “I love you but..”, and then they list my failings, what I should not do, how it is wrong for me to take care of my own needs, how I am selfish when I go after my dreams, and that when I am punished with the silent treatment and being excluded it is because I deserve it for not catering to their wants.  How is that supposed to feel like love?  Do they for a moment consider how I might be feeling to be told that I am “not good enough” but I am expected to condone such treatment as if my feelings do not count?  Is that love?  It doesn’t feel very loving.  And when take up the courage to express my hurt feelings and  to express my need for an apology for being treated to unthoughtfully;  to be told that there will be no apology because they have nothing to apologize for…is that love?  

These are just some of the examples of the bad experiences that I have had with the word love.  I think it is the most misused word in language.  For far too many; love is how they feel when they get what they want.  They see love as something they feel when they make themselves feel superior or better than others.  Love is what they get from others, and claim to want from others but far too often it is a one way street, with them on the receiving end.

When I think of love I see inclusion.  It is about how I can make a person feel accepted even as they struggle.  It is letting a person know they are cherished for who they are and who they aspire to become not for what they do or don’t do.  Love is offering another person a way to improve versus shaming them with inadequacies.   Love is seeing a person’s differences and acknowledging those differences without demeaning those differences.

Have I got the wrong impression of what love is, or do those others in my life who hurt me so deeply with their love know something I don’t know?   Some days I am so sure that love hurts.  Other days I know equally well that love should not hurt.

What do you think?

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 05 – 27

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