Post Estrangement - Learning to find my Voice

Speaking my truth has always been hard for me.  I tend to say what I think people want to hear so as not to cause disharmony.  The net effect is that I am left voiceless, unheard.  I still struggle with this.  One of the reasons I started writing, first in my journal, and later sharing with others in my reflections; was to practice voicing my truths in a format where I could not be interrupted. 

My experience in the past has been that when I did dare to express myself I was:

• told I was wrong
• told I was over reacting
• told that I did not know what I was talking about
• told what was wrong with me
• told what I ought to do to fix me
• given the "looks" that said I was boring
• interrupted at the first opportunity so the other person could talk about themselves and their experiences

My healing journey has followed many convoluted pathways because surprisingly; "what we don't know can in deed harm us greatly".


My knowledge of people and understanding personality and character was extremely limited and flawed.  I had also been taught to ignore or distrust my "gut feelings", that what I felt was wrong.  I was taught to distrust my instincts.  All of this ended up with me being too trusting, and lacking effective boundaries, and thus putting up with things simply ‘because’, not for any good reason.

My healing journey has been about learning things I never had been taught and unlearning false things that I had been conditioned to believe.

I sometimes now speak my truth, to a very selected few that I sort of trust.  I say sort of trust, because my track record has taught me that when I speak my truth I get rejected.  I am not yet able to fully trust.  I hesitate to become vulnerable and so far I continue to hold in much more than I share.

Recently, in the aftermath of being excluded, I felt hurt.  I dared to be brave and asked, "why did you exclude me?"
In reply I was told it was my fault for not calling them enough.

Of course with all the healing work under my belt I should have said; "are you telling me that rather than calling me and including me you choose to blame me for not calling you often enough to suit your standard, as your reason for excluding me?  Do you realize this is typical manipulative behaviour?"

Instead I froze (my typical reaction to "danger" situations in relationships) as they went on to call me names (selfish and narcissistic), and even while I realized I was being projected upon, my throat closed and I was left speechless.

I did however on this occasion feel thankful.  I was thankful that with my new knowledge this person’s personality / character was clearly revealed to me and I understood much more deeply exactly what had transpired.  Instead of addressing that fact that they had treated me badly by excluding me they decided to play the victim card and blame me for the choice of actions.  I believe that in the process they convinced themselves that they did nothing wrong, that I deserved what I got and being excluded was my fault. And in convincing themselves of this they don't feel any need to apologize for treating me in a disrespectful hurtful manner.

This scenario has been typical in my experience.
Why?

This was mostly because I did not have the skill set or knowledge to see the actions / comments for what they were. It was my ignorance that kept me silenced even when in my gut I felt that something was wrong.  In my ignorance I was encouraged to continue to believe that the something wrong was me.  It was only when I started to question the truth of that self-diminishing thought; that I started to gradually change and the biggest change I made was to ask questions about what kind of person is it that treats me this way and thinks it is okay?

The techniques that others use so smoothly to silence me still have a measure of success on me; this is a clear indication that I am still on a healing journey, getting closer, but not there yet.

However there is one important change; before I would quickly forgive them (even though no apology was offered) and allow them back into my life.  Now, I withdraw from the conflict and I am quite happy to wait and see if they ever notice that I am gone, to see if they ever consider that their actions / words may have something to do with why I am gone from their lives and if I will ever get a sincere apology from them in an effort to have me back in their lives.

The change is that I am happy to be without those kinds of relationships.  I am no longer willing to do anything, to beg and plead or try to buy my way into their affections.   Mostly I have become aware that no matter how much I try it will never be enough, my insufficiencies will always be pointed out and used as the excuse for any and all failures.

So many believed that my role as scapegoat was so secure, so ingrained in me; that I would never have the courage to question my status, that my voice was forever silenced by my insecurities, that I would never be able to free myself from the false core beliefs that held me captive.

I do believe I have caught them unawares.  While my need to feel loved is probably as great as ever, I have learned that it is only by loving myself that I can attract the kind of relationships where loving caring actions are reciprocal, not a bargaining chip for inclusion. 

So I no longer wait for others to change in response to my healing changes,  I no longer expect them to recognize that has transpired and see that I have boundaries.  Instead I am cultivating new relationships and strengthening those old relationships where I am heard, where my voice is valued and where my throat chakra, my inner truth is allowed to flourish and grow.

I take tentative steps each day, toward becoming more courageous, more truthful, more assertive, having more faith in my right to be heard.  

 I try hard to balance my willingness to listen with an equal expectation to be heard. 

I am striving to balance clearly stating my displeasure as well as clearing sharing my pleasure.

I am discovering that my power lies in taking that awareness of what it feels like to be unheard and instead of freezing in silence, learning that my need to express my hurt when I am unheard is a right that I will no longer be denied.

As I continue to learn to have a voice in relationships that have succeeded only because of my reluctance to speak my truth in the past; I share my learning with others.  What I share with my readers here and on my Reflections page on Facebook, is a way for me to have a voice that will be heard by those who recognize themselves in my stories of healing and personal transformation.  People who can relate and say, yes that is how I also feel.  Maybe you too have stories to share of how you have felt silenced or unheard?

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 - 08 - 24

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My daily reflections: Character is Revealed by Behaviour during the Difficult Times

Quote:  
“It is during the worst storms of your life that you will get to see the true colours of the people who say they care for you” ~ unknown

Sometimes I wonder what it says about those who abandon you when you need them most?

It is when you face this question that you realize that those who abandon have deep, deep issues and their lack of compassion is only a symptom of the things that are wrong with them and in their lives.

I was abandoned. 

Not only was I abandoned, I was called crazy and told that they wanted nothing to do with me until I got help and was better.  In other words, that while I was in mental distress I was a persona non grata.  They had no interest in standing by me while I healed.  After all that I had done for them; they could not stand by me while I was weak and needed help to survive the abuse being hurled at me. 

The abuse that was causing me to “act not like myself” was considered acceptable; while my reaction to the abuse was not!  

The message I received was that I did not have the right to defend myself.  By their non-support, I was being told that I should just accept the lies and the slander that was being told about me without reaction.  They even went so far as to tell me that my anger about how I was being treated was a sign that I was crazy and in need to mental health intervention!  

In their mind there was never a moment of doubt that the lies were truth and that I was the crazy one.  I ask you, is that how you treat a friend? 

• Do you turn on a friend and assume the lies being told are the truth without verification?
• Do you assume that a friend is at fault based on gossip without asking said friend for their side of the story?
• Do you side with those who tell the stories to condone their actions against the person you say is your friend without any desire to know more?
• Do you withhold support and love and respect and then turn around and say this shunning was done from a place of love? 
• Do you gang up on a loved one telling everyone that will listen that they are crazy, having a break down without making a single attempt to find out what they are feeling / thinking about how they have been treated?
• Do you attempt to isolate the person from all social connection by telling everyone who will listen that they need to also shun this person?

I ask you again, are these the actions of a friend?

I think most would agree that this is not how you treat a friend.  
Is this how you treat a family member? 
Is this type of behaviour right?

Yes it was during the worst days of my life that I learned to see the true colours of those I thought were family and friends.  And it was through healing myself; for the most part in isolation, that I learned that those who abandon have much deeper emotional issues than I. 

A huge difference in the outcome is that I have faced my own shortcomings, while they still hide from their short comings by blaming me, I am their scape goat.  I become the symbol of all they don’t want to face about themselves. 

In choosing to side with the oppressors and the bullies, they became just like them, just like to bullies and oppressors.  

In rejecting and shaming me they attempted to hide from themselves how their values are skewed toward dominance, control and power. By not standing by the underdog they proclaimed that they care more about their image than for what is right.  

I am told that everything happens for a reason.  Being attacked and slandered has led me to learn about those who thrive on attacking and bullying and controlling and manipulating others.  I have become much more people-wise because of what I have survived. 

Every day I strive to find compassion in my heart for those who abandoned me out of their own weakness of character that allowed them to be swayed by the glib words of a sociopathic liar.  I am not successful every day I try, but I repeat the exercise daily none the less. 

Every day I pray that they will wake up one day and see the light.  That they were party to the oppressor’s agenda and that their ignorance led them to make thoughtless and hurtful choices.

Every day I pray for my heart to be open to atonement when or if it comes.

And yet I still search for the answers to the unanswerable questions.

• What kind of person abandons a friend / a family member based on hearsay?
• What kind of person has so little faith in the fundamental goodness of a friend / family member that lies are so easily accepted as truth?  
• What kind of person allows a loved one to suffer alone in the aftermath of a bullies attack?
• What kind of a person does not stand by a loved one that is emotionally distraught and needs support and care? 

The only answer can be someone who carries within them deep issues, something very wrong with their own moral compass or their ability to treat others with compassion. Something is very wrong with their understanding of how one treats friends and family. 

Remember it is easy to do the right thing when the going is easy.  It is when the going is tough, when there are lies and attacks being made, that we are asked to make the tough calls.  It is how we stand up to the bullies in defense of our loved ones that we show our character, or our lack of character. 

Even if unknowingly we become the pawn of someone’s twisted end game, we are ultimately responsible for how we treat our loved ones. Being used is not an excuse for lack of moral fibre to do the right thing.

And so I come full circle, someone who lacks such moral fibre suffers from deep character issues and their lack of honour in doing the right thing is only a symptom of the things that are wrong within them and the things they have yet to face about themselves.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 08 – 16

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My Daily Reflections: Pondering Suffering

Quote:

"Suffering is a treasure, for it conceals mercies;

The almond becomes fresh when you peel off the rind.

O my brother, staying in a cold dark place

And bearing patiently the grief, weakness, and pain

Is the Source of Life and the cup of Abandon!

The heights are found only in the depths of abasement;

Spring is hidden in autumn, and autumn pregnant with spring.

Flee neither; be the friend of Grief, accept desolation,

Hunt for the life that springs from the death of yourself."

- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi

Sometimes we receive the message that suffering is to be avoided at all costs, that we must always seek out the positive and the happy. This is a misconception and why it is perpetuated I don’t quite understand. 

Now I am not saying we need to “seek out” suffering, but rather that we must not allow our suffering to lead us to despair. For in suffering, and especially in overcoming and growing through the suffering is where we learn some of life’s deepest lessons. Dig into the hardships, do the work of becoming a better person because of what you have experienced. Learn from the experience what you don’t want to do (or continue to do) unto others which causes them needless suffering. Learn also that sometimes suffering can’t be avoided and that there is a lesson that THEY must learn which only can be learned through that path of suffering soul searching.

I used to accept horrible disrespectful behaviour towards myself from others; I made excuses for them and tolerated their behaviour. Then slowly I started to realize they were in fact causing me unnecessary suffering. When what they really needed was a "shot of reality", they needed to be told that it was unacceptable to treat me that way.

What I needed to do was cause them some conscience suffering!

I needed to let them know that their behaviour was a problem and I needed to let them know in such a way that they could face their conscience and have a moment of possible growth toward becoming a better person.

It took me a long, long time to learn this lesson. In an effort to not remove “happiness” from others, I ended up suffering needlessly the stings of hurt and abuse and disrespectful behaviours. Sometimes the best gift we can give others is for them to feel the sting of our withdrawal from them in disapproval.

There is much to be learned from suffering.

It is not always easy learning.

But sometimes our greatest breakthroughs come after we have suffered greatly.

And sometimes we have to be the instrument of suffering in others. For example, sharing a truth they don’t want to hear causes suffering to someone who has a cluster B personality trait. But it is only in suffering that they have an opportunity to change. Not that change is guaranteed by any means, but by offering them an opportunity to face something about themselves we can give them a glimpse that change might be needed.

I have been coming to the understanding that sometimes it hurts you, your self-esteem and your self-worth to be eternally kind to others that have shown by their actions that they don’t appreciate or deserve your kindness.

And sometimes the greatest kindness is a truth most resented or an action revealed as being unacceptable. Even if in the short term there is resistance and suffering.

They may walk away angry and spiteful that you dared present such a truth, they may even seek revenge. But the truth is, they have been given a wondrous gift; an opportunity to look in the mirror, to see themselves from the perspective of the person they have harmed, or to see how a grandiose outlook is preventing personal growth and the opportunity to improve. Whether or not they learn from the insight is totally up to them. 

Many won’t learn!  

Many are blind to the lesson they have been given. They don’t want to feel the pain of suffering through personal transformation, or they simply have such an inflated ego they think they are so superior that they can do no wrong.  Many will turn around and use excuses or judgments or even blame, guilt or threats to exonerate themselves and preserve the delusion that they are too perfect to be in need of change.

Another lesson in life that I have learned is that to remain silent when being verbally abused in the effort to be perceived as nice does not work. The net result is that you are perceived as an easy target and the abuse escalates.

I also have learned, through some really tough life lessons; that I can't stay silent about speaking a truth to facilitate someone else's comfort. This is especially imperative when their level of comfort is based on ego and illusion but not on actual fact.

My wish for myself and for others who are traveling a similar path toward self-discovery and self-awareness is this:

May you learn that in suffering there is learning and that in learning there are new beginnings. Don’t shy away from suffering because it is unpleasant, instead seek what lesson has been presented to you and how you can learn from the experience and how you can become a better person in the process.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 08 – 12

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