Learning to recognize actions that are wrong
and then speaking out, saying that it was unacceptable
is the first step to letting others know you will no longer tolerate such actions against you.
“all tyranny, bigotry, aggression, and
cruelty are wrong and whenever we see it we must never be silent”
~ Ingrid
Newkirk
Far too often we
think that all the evil and cruelty in the world is "out there"
somewhere. Out in the streets of an
impoverished neighbourhood, in another country where there are injustices, in
another place where there are ancient grievances still being rehashed generations
later.
However even within
our own personal lives, within our relationships with family, friends and
co-workers there lurks the tyranny of aggression and cruelty also. It is well camoflagued often with the flowery
words of "I do this out of love" or "it is for your own
good". And because of the disguise
we fail to recognize that hurt or if we recognize that emotional hurt, we
flagellate ourselves for being too sensitive and we tell ourselves how wrong we
are for feeling put down and being made to feel shamed and guilty when after
all it was done with the best of intentions.
But healing is about
learning to recognize actions that are wrong.
Simply because a verbal aggression has been justified as coming from a
loving place does not make it less aggressive.
The cruelty of
unkind, demeaning or belittling words is not diminished because the speaker of
them professes to be doing it for our own good.
The bigotry of
insisting on one set of rules for themselves and a different set of rules for
us, is not lost because they are spoken by a family member!
The tyranny of being
expected to be something for someone else to the detriment of what is good for
ourselves is not ameliorated by the after thought "but it is for your own
good."
When we experience
wrong actions or hurtful words we have to learn to not only unmask them from
the flowery sentiments used to justify them, we need to recognize them as
bullying and aggressive behaviours perpetrated upon us in the name of
love.
We need to recognize
that if the intent had been to show love we would feel love and not emotional
pain and rejection. When you feel the
accusation of "you are not good enough" there is a reason. The reason is that you have been told in some
disguised form that you are not good enough.
Maybe there was a
sneer on the face or some other micro expression that delved deep into you
psyche letting you know that the tidbit of corrective information was not meant
as a loving suggestion but as a gleeful criticism of your inadequacy.
Maybe it was their
body language that showed the separation of "me up here superior and you
down there inferior". Whatever
triggered that feeling of "not good enough" it came through. Your gut reacted, that deep primal part of
you recognized it, even when the present you tried to deny that any offense
happened, that you are just overreacting.
Our first step is to
learn that when we feel emotionally hurt there was an intention to inflict that
emotional hurt. We have to stop denying
this and thus protecting the aggressor.
There was some need in the "hurter" that was satisfied with
delivering the hurting message. As long
as we deny that, we continue to be hurt by the same people over and over again
becasue of the simple expedient, what they got away with once they have now
learned they can get away with it again.
We have to learn
that they won't change a behaviour that has been giving them good results until
we change.
We have to learn
that we have a right to speaking out and say, "that was
unacceptable." We have a right to
say "I don't buy your excuses anymore". We have to say "I see through your words
because your actions are the exact opposite"
We, the acquiescing
doormats, the perpetual people pleasers, the conflict avoiders have to take
that first step to letting others know we will no longer tolerate such actions
against us. For if we don't change, if
we don't set a higher standard of what we will tolerate, if we don't set
personal boundaries of acceptable behaviour towards us; then those whose
personality it is to be tyrannical bullies, even well meaning disguised
tyrannical bullies; will continue their aggressive cruelty with impunity.
Renate Dundys
Marrello
2017 - 05 - 04Link to my Facebook Reflections Page
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