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| ...you start to find the joy in life and live again |
When I was first estranged by my daughter I was ashamed, I felt it was me, that I was to blame, that I was a failure and that I was not good enough. I felt burdened not only by the grief of the estrangement but also that I was somehow to blame for everything that went wrong. During this time I was very secretive about my grief. I hid it from everyone except my very closest most trusted friends. I removed myself from the lives of anyone tainted or influenced by my daughters' point of view, anyone who did not even respect me enough to ask for my side of the story.
Instead I started keeping a journal as a place to write
my thoughts, often working in secret, facing the confusing and bewildering
emotions that assailed me. I thought I
was alone in being this terrible person, so terrible in fact that my daughter
wanted nothing to do with me.
I did not want any of my secret recriminating thoughts to
be seen by her as I flayed myself for every possible mistake I might ever have
inadvertently made. At one point in time
I even blamed myself for making her into the self-centered, narcissistic person
that she is. After all if she can do
this horrible thing to me then it must be my fault for having raised her to be
capable of such behaviour.
Then gradually over time, I learned more and more about
estrangement and the people who choose to estrange. I joined support groups and
came to realize there were thousands of others going through the same emotionally
scaring trauma.
The more I learnt about personality and character traits
and behaviours, the more I came to understand that it wasn't me....it was my
estranged daughter who has the problem.
I am who I have always been a loving, caring, kind, generous, giving,
honest person, someone who routinely put others ahead of myself, I never
changed. That fact is that she
changed. She "allowed" others
to influence her to change her relationship with me. She was the one who created reasons and
created a story to justify her actions.
She was the one who decided to not have me in her life. She was the one
that started issuing ultimatums designed to manipulate and control. She became a bully when she started using
bullying tactics. All of that is on her
not on me.
Now time has passed, over 5 years in fact, and I have
learned and changed. I now post about
estrangement, about how it affects families and individuals about how it is
epidemic and anything else I wish to post to bring this topic out into the
open, to help others realize the stigma is not in being estranged....but rather
the stigma is on those that feel that estrangement is the solution to a
communication problem.
Those who estrange do so because it is too hard from them
to face the hard work of effective communication and relationship
building. They run away from conflict
rather than looking at ways of resolving conflict. They are the problem and they have the
problem and they choose to estrange rather than deal with the problem and move
forward. They chose live in the past and
to hold onto a grudge from the past because it is the easy way out. They lay blame because it is easier than
facing their own inner demons and their own faults and short comings. It is easiest to lay the blame on someone
else than look too closely and with introspection at their own inadequacies and
their own poor choices.
And I have no problem now with being the voice in the
dark that calls it like it is. If I or
any other parent has done the best they could and then offered apologies for
any miss understandings or omissions that may have come about in the process
and then still not been forgiven, then the problem lies not with us but rather
with those that hold onto the grudge even past reason, just for the sake of
holding on to the grudge.
They continue to hold on to the past and their grievances
beyond all reason. They do so just so
they can continue to deny to themselves the fact that they have chosen to run
away from a difference of opinion rather than facing and negotiating a forward
looking solution. Where there is no
communication there is no give and take, where there is no give and take there
is no compromise. It takes maturity to
realize that compromise is necessary for effective relationships. It takes
maturity to give up a grudge.
I am finally at that place of learning and understanding
where I realize that I can apologize for all my errors in judgment but I can't
force my daughter to accept my apology. Reconciliation requires both parties to
participate; it is not a one way street.
And oddly enough, I now find that all the counseling and
therapy and support group work have led me to a place where I now value myself
enough to realize that I too am owed an apology for the way that I have been
treated. I did not do anything to
warrant this kind of punishment. Time
outs are not meant to last for days, let alone months and years.
- No one deserves to be given the silent treatment.
- No one deserves to be bullied or manipulated using the withdrawal of love as the punishment.
- No one deserves to be subjected to the abuse of neglect and estrangement because of a difference of opinion.
So where does all of this knowledge and awareness lead
me?
- It leads me to that place where I realize that I have every right to my feelings on the topic of estrangement.
- It leads me to a place of personal freedom and acceptance that what I experience as a result of the estrangement is mine.
- It also leads me to that place where if they (the estrangers) take offence for me expressing my point of view and my feelings then that too is their problem.
Their attempt to manipulate me into capitulating to their
demands through the "silent treatment" no longer is going to work
because I have come to the conclusion that I am just as deserving of respect as
they think they are. And since their
actions show clearly that they do not respect me, then it is not my obligation
to respect them. And if I do not
respect their choice of actions then I also have no obligation to respect their
demands.
I think that with the passage of time I have developed a
hard outer shell to protect my heart and my spirit which are still so very
vulnerable. I however, have also
toughened up to the point where I will no longer tolerate being treated
abusively just to "save" a relationship that I did not break.
I now feel very powerfully from my inner core, they did
the breaking....it is now up to them to do the mending. I have apologized and been ignored. I will not beg or plead. My apology needs to be accepted and they also
need to be accountable and apologize in return.
I also will not be silenced. My estrangers can troll my posts all they
want ....what can they do to me that they have not already done? I am already pushed out of their lives....they
can't put me out any more. I am already
living the silent treatment....there is nothing they can do to increase the
degree of silence.
- They have already accused me of all my parenting crimes and called me all the names they could think of.
- They have already told lies about me to those that would listen.
- They have already influenced all the people that they could to their way of thinking and those who are loyal to me can't be swayed by their lies.
There is nothing that they can do now that they haven't already done. There is power in knowing that the worst has already happened. The family that is already torn asunder by estrangement is already broken, you can't destroy a thing that has already been destroyed.
So whether they like or dislike that I voice my opinion
changes nothing. And maybe just possibly
some estranger will read my messages and realize that you can't solve anything
with the silent treatment and the abuse of neglect; and they will make an effort
to reconnect with affirmative action and communication!
What a benefit that would be! Maybe, just possibly some family somewhere, will be
reconnected because I have nothing left to lose.
Renate Dundys Marrello
2014 - 10 - 25
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