They justify this by blaming their parents for everything that is wrong in their lives. The list of reasons is as long as the number of families suffering through these estrangements. Every estranged adult child has a litany of reason why their parents weren't satisfactory. They use these reasons as excuses to sever relationships with their parents. They say this is for them a journey to self hood, to emancipation from the values of their parents. To express themselves.
Young adults have always made this journey through adolescence to adulthood, and
most parents, if they are honest with themselves expect their children to
undergo some form of emancipation as they establish themselves in their own
separate lives. In fact I would wager
that most parents WANT their offspring to lead independent successful lives. Part of a parent's work is to teach our
offspring the skills needed to some day be independent. Most parents rejoice when they see their
children capable of taking on the responsibilities of adult independent lives. They see this as validation that they did a
good job as a parent when their child grows to be an adult that no longer needs
them for the requirements of everyday living.
An expression of rebellion and independence is welcomed!
However, something vital has changed!
In order to “express this rebellion” it has seemingly become
necessary to lay blame on the parent for something. It does not matter what the something is so
long as they blame the parent for it in such a way as to say “because you did “xyz” you were a bad parent to me and therefore I
will estrange you from my life.
It is no longer enough for the emancipating adult child to just
say “I want to do this my way”. To express
their autonomy and thereafter to make their own path is not enough!
They now feel that they have the right to say to the parent,
“if you disagree with me you are wrong and I won’t speak to you until you agree
with me”. They want their way to become
the only right way.
They want control over their parent’s thinking, their parent’s
feelings, and their parent’s actions.
Some of them label their parents with “armchair psychological symptoms”
to assuage their guilt, as in “I can’t be around a toxic person”
Here is where it gets really tricky. I always supposed that a relationships
between adults was based on equality.
Where everyone has the right to their opinion and where friendships are
not devalued because of different points of view.
I read an interesting article the other day by Dr Joshua
Coleman. In it he says:
“….you talk about your
perspective and he or she talks about theirs. You talk about how you felt hurt
or misunderstood. Your kid talks about how she or he feels hurt or misunderstood.
You put your heads together and make sense of it, and you move on and get
closer as a result.
That is not the case
once there’s an estrangement in place. It’s not that kind of a dynamic. A lot
of adult children say they want a relationship of equality, but in reality, it
probably isn't going to be a relationship that feels very equal to you. …..
It requires that you have to give without
really expecting very much in return. You’re going to have to reconcile
yourself to the fact that it’s a one-way street…”
Dr. Joshua Coleman goes on to say that if we want a
relationship with these estranging adult children we have to play by their
rules.
What is this really saying?
It is saying that the estranging adult child wants
everything their way.
The estranging adult child wants you to cave to all their
demands, accept all the responsibility for everything that is wrong (absolve
the adult child of any guilt the may feel over their actions)
The estranging adult child says they want a relationship
only if they get to set the rules and play their games with your emotions and
your heart.
The estranging adult child is saying; “we are in control of
this relationship and you have no say in the matter and if you cross us on any
of our rules you will be once again punished with estrangement.
The estranging adult child is saying that you the parent don’t
count. Your feelings don’t count. You are unimportant. Only I the adult child am important.
I find this one way street approach to be incredibly
insensitive to my needs as an individual.
Am I expected to accept rude demeaning behaviour from
another adult in order for me to earn the right to be in their life? Am I expected to put all my needs and my feelings
on hold so as not to offend? Am I, as an
adult supposed to allow another adult to manipulate me and control me to the
point where I do everything I can to please them or else they will reject me?
I write this and think, isn’t this juvenile school yard behaviour? Isn’t this reminiscent of what children taunt each other with “I won’t be your friend if you…..”
Am I supposed to become a child bowing down to the school yard bully, only this time the school yard bully is my own adult child, now grown and thinking they have the right to control and manipulate me, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions?
A find this concept rather hard to swallow.
I write this and think, isn’t this juvenile school yard behaviour? Isn’t this reminiscent of what children taunt each other with “I won’t be your friend if you…..”
Am I supposed to become a child bowing down to the school yard bully, only this time the school yard bully is my own adult child, now grown and thinking they have the right to control and manipulate me, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions?
A find this concept rather hard to swallow.
And let’s say that I do accept these “New Rules” and play
that game. What kind of a relationship
would that really be?
This one way street where I am always wrong and they are
always right.
This scenario where they presume to control me with their
demands, while I am expected to acquiesce to their demands.
Is this really a relationship?
Sounds more like a dictatorship to me.
Sounds more like a dictatorship to me.
So the questions that need to be asked are as follows.
- Is a relationship with these emancipated estranging adults worth my self dignity?
- Can I feel good about myself when I am not true to who I am in order to make them feel good about themselves?
- What about my personal value as a human being, am I to deny myself the right to be of equal value?
- And is accepting a one way street relationship even good for my self esteem?
- Is establishing a one way relationship worth all that I would be expected to give up?
- Is no relationship better than one where I have to put on a mask and forever pretend to be someone who I am not?
- Does any relationship asking me to sacrifice my true self this much worth it?
My personal response is NO IT IS NOT!
- Better my dignity than a relationship where I am forever the trodden upon.
- Better my own company than the company of those who feel they have the right to control me.
- Better my own life lived with validation and honesty than one where I put on a mask of supplication and inferiority.
- I will not sacrifice my value as a human being to aggrandize anyone’s ego.
 |
| Alone and Strong |
This is my opinion.
I am entitled to my opinion.
In my two way street approach to relationships my opinion is
just as valid and valuable as their opinion.
And anyone who feels the need to squash my opinion in order
for their opinion to have value is not really welcome in my life.
© Renate Dundys Marrello
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